Sleeve Notes 101

We've Moved!

2007-08-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

After calling Blogger home for quite some time, I've finally decided to move to a new format. I hope that you will follow me over to the new place. Let me know what you think!

Sleeve Notes 101

j.

Life Under the Big Top

2007-07-31T12:37:00.000-07:00

The Circus is in town! The Circus is in town! The voice in my head sounded eerily similar to the voices I remembered from my one experience of visiting the circus as a kid! And, like with my previous experience, that voice filled my entire being with a sense of excitement! The Circus is in town!

It was late in the afternoon on a Friday. The end of a really difficult week. The beginning of a difficult weekend! I was pooped! The week had in fact been so exhausting that I was feeling pretty clueless about what the fare would be for dinner, let alone how I was going to keep an 8 year old occupied for the entire weekend. It's not that I usually shirk my parenting duties over the weekend, rather, the week in review had been especially dismal and I was just too tired to plan. And so, it was with welcome relief that I noticed the circus was in town! What little boy wouldn't be excited? Heck, I was excited! I found a place to park, ran over to the ticket window and purchased two tickets for Saturday afternoon's show! This was going to be fun!

Several years ago, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey joined forces and now, here they were, the biggest thing at the STAPLES Center that weekend. And what a show it looked like it was going to be. Saturday dawned sunny and hot with hardly a breeze to be found. Like many of the residents of my fair city, we don't have air-conditioning in our home and so, I counted the minutes until it was time to join the throngs of families as we headed off to see The Greatest Show on Earth!

It didn't take me long to realize that taking your kid to the Circus is much less about them getting to see the elephants and tigers and much more about the ability of those hawking cheap souvenirs to part you from your hard earned cash. First stop was the concession stand where I dropped my first cool $50 all the while comparing this trip to some dates I've had (hint - they've been cheaper, nicer and probably with better results). As we collected our mugs, nachos, hot dogs, pretzels and soda, I had a quick desire to bolt out the front door. What had I gotten myself into?

Finding our aisle, we waited for an attractive lady to point us to our seats. They were good ones!! Only a few rows up, dead center and right on the aisle. There would be no climbing over anyone for us!! It also meant that the Circus hawkers had us in their sites. And man, did they ever have a lot of crap to see. First up was the guy with all these little wands with flashing lights ($20). Then came the guy with the cotton candy. At $12 I declined causing Paris to shoot me a death stare. It was the first of many I'm afraid! Word of advice, don't get to the show too early...you'll end up loosing your shirt before the show has started.

Finally, several thousand dollars later, the announcement was made over the loud speakers. The show was about to begin. Not a sound was heard as a hush fell over the crowded arena. Then, bursting out of the curtains came the clowns. The action was constant and hard to focus on! In fact, I found my eyes bouncing all over the arena as different things were going on in different areas. My head started to hurt!

Without notice, the lights in the arena dimmed and the booming voice of Ringmaster Tyron McFarlan welcomed us to The Greatest Show on Earth (I know, I've said it before...but heck, it's the Circus...what do you expect). For the next three solid hours, in a nicely chilled arena, the action was non-stop, and all over the place. Taba had his Tigers dancing on hind legs while trained horses did the fox trot (keeping their pooper scoopers quite busy in the process). There were brothers on high-line wires and flying trapeze artists. There were contortionists doing their thing next to elephants dancing round the staging areas tail to tusk. And all the while the clowns were busy interjecting themselves into every little thing and, as usual, causing mayhem. And then, with great fanfare, a giant cannon was brought in and the Ringmaster declared that we were going to be witnessing history. With a loud BOOM, Brian and Tina came flying out of the canon, skillfully sailing through the air! Whew! What a show!

I'll be honest, I was a little bit exhausted as we exited STAPLES! Paris on the other head had to tell me about all the things that I missed! He insisted on doing mad dashes followed by handstands and somersaults. I wanted a glass of wine and bed! Eventually we found our car, got in and joined the throngs of those who, like us, were still just a little bit over amped from all we had seen! As we headed down Figueroa, I heard the soft sounds of contented sleep coming from a little boy who had just left his first Circus.

Life under the big top is controlled mayhem! Much like our own lives! There are a lot of things vying for our attention, time and pocketbooks. Usually, right in the big middle of everything are the clowns causing mayhem and mischief. If you are like me, you find it all just a little bit exhausting! But as I looked over at my little boy, head leaned up against the window of the car with a full moon shining on him, I felt strangely warmed. I was reminded that as we journey through this life with all it's distractions, our Father God is watching over our every move and that it's ok to crawl up into his arms and take a little breather once in a while.

I enjoyed our time under the big top! It reminded me of life...real life!

My Umbrella

2007-06-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

It's early! Too early for a Saturday morning! Sure, we meant to get up at the crack of dawn, but dawn hadn't even arrived when we rolled out of bed. The sky is gray with a light mist falling. Soon enough it will clear off and the landscape will join in a grand showcase of brilliance. But for now, it's gray.

The smell of fresh brewed coffee greeted me as I stumbled down the stairs. Hair tousled. Sleep in my eyes. I poured a cup and sat down on the sofa. Music streamed from the surround sound. Bodies danced on the screen. We sat in silence, sipping our coffee, enveloped in the sights and sounds. The light streaming from outside filled the room with gray.

Had I been in control of the remote, I would have changed the channel. I wasn't! And so I determined to enjoy what my love was enjoying. Jay-Z came into view, rapping about rainy days and umbrellas. Too lazy to fight for the remote, I watched, tuning out the sound. Into view came the stunning face and figure of Rhianna. What was she saying? When the sun shines we shine together... My ears perked up.

By the time the video was over, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I grabbed the remote, hit the review button to listen again to the lyrics that so inspired me.

These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, Here for infinity
When the war has took its part
When the world has dealt its cards
If the hand is hard, Together we'll mend your heart
Because...

When the sun shines, We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out to the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

In a few short hours, I'll board a luxurious yacht to celebrate the marriage of my good friends Nikki and Simon. They are starting a journey my parents started 40 years ago yesterday. As I listened to Rhianna belt out those amazing lyrics, I thought about the lessons I've learned from my parents. The umbrella lessons! You don't get through 40 years of marriage that includes 3 kids, numerous moves (some cross country), without going through some rain.

Our culture today doesn't really understand the umbrella aspects of a relationship in my opinion. Sure, we've learned to shine together, but too often when the rains come, we hog the umbrella. Rain has been falling consistently on my own relationship lately! There have been times when I've wanted to say "Get your own umbrella!" And yet I was reminded of two people who are still madly in love after 40 years. Not 40 years of just playing in the bright sun shine but 40 years of sun and rain, of day and night. 40 years of holding hands in the sun and holding the umbrella for each other in the rain. There have been times even when they've danced together in the rain. What was the secret? They made a commitment not just for the good times but for all times!

Standing here holding my own umbrella, I realized that the greatest lesson my parents ever taught me was that the rain only lasts for a brief moment in time! And when the sun shines and you're still standing there together, that's when it shines its brightest!

In celebration of my parent's 40th; in celebration of the commitment I will witness today; in celebration of my own 5 years; I offer the love chapter from the scriptures...

Love never gives up
Love cares more for others than for self
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have
Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head
Doesn't force itself on others
Isn't always "me first"
Doesn't fly off the handle
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others
Doesn't revel when others grovel
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth
Puts up with anything
Trusts God always
Always looks for the best
Never looks back
But keeps going to the end
Love never dies

Beyond Ex-Gay

2007-04-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

(Austin, TX)—Survivors of ex-gay programs can take advantage of two new resources this week. Beyondexgay.com, an online community for those who are healing from ex-gay experiences, will go live today. Simultaneously, online registration will begin for The Survivor’s Conference: Beyond Ex-gay, a face-to-face event scheduled for June 29-July 1, and sponsored by beyondexgay.com and Soulforce.

Recent events have brought national attention to the existence of programs intended to modify same-sex desires. While much of that attention has focused on whether sexual orientation is subject to change, beyondexgay.com and The Survivor’s Conference are the first efforts to move beyond that debate in order to focus on the community of “survivors”—people who feel they have experienced more harm than benefits from ex-gay programs.

“We use the term ‘survivor’ because we want to emphasize the very real psychological trauma that these programs can cause, and also because we want to highlight the strength of the men and women who, in spite of enormous pressures, come to accept themselves as they are,” says Jeff Lutes, a practicing psychotherapist and Executive Director of Soulforce.

The creators of beyondexgay.com, Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke, talked to hundreds of fellow ex-gay survivors. What they heard, again and again, was that ex-gay experiences brought inner turmoil, confusion and shame.

Many survivors acknowledge that some good came of their ex-gay journey. “We grew to understand our sexuality better and in some cases even overcame life-controlling problems,” says Toscano, but he is quick to point out that the harm most survivors experience far outweighs the help they receive. The consensus of the major medical and mental health organizations is that homosexuality is not a disorder and, therefore, does not need to be cured. The American Psychological Association identifies “depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior” among the possible risks associated with ex-gay therapies.

Toscano spent 17 years and over $30,000 on three continents attempting to change or at least contain his unwanted same-sex attractions. He ultimately endured two years at the Love in Action residential ex-gay program in Memphis, TN.

“In the end I was still very gay, but also depressed, isolated and nearly faithless,” he says.

Toscano, now a Christian Quaker, has since created a one-person comedy about his ex-gay experiences and has presented Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House and his other work throughout North America, Europe, West Africa and the Caribbean. In spring 2005, Bakke contacted Toscano after attending one of his performances.

Bakke herself spent more than 4 years trying to change her orientation. She moved to Denver in 1998 to become ex-gay and participated in a program affiliated with Exodus International, the largest network of ex-gay ministries. In 2003 she realized that while she had changed in many areas, her sexual orientation remained the same. Bakke’s story will be featured in the May issue of Glamour, which hit newsstands April 10. Toscano will appear as a guest on the Trya Banks Show on April 12.

Bakke and Toscano continued to dialogue, and last spring they decided it was time to reach out to more ex-gay survivors through the Internet. Together with assistance from their friend, Steve Boese, they form the perfect team: Bakke—a graphic designer, Toscano—a writer, and Boese—a web guru and founder of MyOrgHost.

Beyondexgay.com currently features diverse narratives from ex-gay survivors. It also provides an array of resources, including original articles and art by survivors, as well as links to other sites. Soon survivors will have the option to join the community and create a profile. Through an on-line form, they will document and share their own ex-gay experiences. Their responses will then be added to a database that will track the variety and scope of ex-gay experiences endured by survivors.

"The ex-gay experience is unique in many ways. No one understands it better than those of us who have been through it. Creating a communal space for ex-gay survivors to tell their stories allows us to share what led us into an ex-gay lifestyle and ways we have been able to recover from it,” says Bakke.

Creating a space for survivors to come together and share their stories was also the impetus behind The Survivor’s Conference: Beyond Ex-Gay. The conference, which will take place June 29th through July 1st at the University of California-Irvine, is co-sponsored by the LGBT Resource Center at UC Irvine.

“We chose Irvine because the annual Exodus Freedom Conference is coming to Irvine that week,” says Lutes. “For Soulforce, beyondexgay.com, and the LGBT Resource Center at UC Irvine, it is very important to provide a positive response to the Exodus message that gay men and lesbians are sinful and disordered.”

If you want to stand in peaceful solidarity to lovingly confront the damaging consequences of the ex-gay movement – this conference is for you. If you have ever been through an ex-gay experience or been damaged by the message that God does not love and affirm you – this conference is for you. If you are confused about the Bible and homosexuality, currently in an ex-gay program, or thinking about trying to change who you are – this conference is for you.

Schedule of Events
Friday, June 29, 2007, 7pm - 9pm, Crystal Cove Auditorium (free and open to the public): Doing time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House: How I survived the Ex-gay Movement - a performance by Peterson Toscano, www.homonomo.com

Saturday, June 30, 2007, 9am - 5pm. Registration online is highly recommended. Registrations at the door will be accepted as space allows.

7pm - Crystal Cove Auditorium (free and open to the public) Jason & deMarco in Concert! www.jasonanddemarco.com

Sunday, July 1, 2007 - Optional worship at a local welcoming & affirming church.

Tagging

2007-03-19T14:31:00.000-07:00

My friend Peterson over at A Musing did NOT tag me (not that I'm bitter of course) to come up with five favorite quotes, however, he inspired me and so I give you some that have been especially encouraging to me over the past few months.

No situation, however wretched it seems, has some sort of comfort attending it. ~Goldsmith~

Now let the weeping cease; let no one mourn again. For the love of God will bring you peace. There is no end. ~Sophacles~

For it is one thing to see the land of peace from a wooded ridge...and another to tread the road that leads to it. ~St. Augustine, Confessions, VIII, xxi~

Missing your love with God's so close at hand. It seems somehow a sacrilege...but I think he understands. ~Peter McWilliams~

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed. ~Nicolas de Chamfort~

What about you? Any favorite quotes you wanna share?

j.

Living in the light of honesty

2007-02-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

My friend Peterson Toscano was recently featured on the Montel show, talking a bit about his struggles trying to reconcile his faith with his sexuality. Peterson touched briefly on honesty and being truly honest not only with all around you, but being honest with onesself.

I understand exactly where Peterson is coming from because it wasn't until I started being honest with myself that I started seeing true healing and health come into my own life. Determining to be honest, no matter the cost (which is sometimes quite severe), brings benefits even if they aren't seen in the short term. Hiding behind who we wish we could be; who our friends want us to be; who our church thinks we should be is nothing more than hiding...period and turns us into crippled fragments of what we were intended to be. If we are constantly hiding, then we aren't really living the life that we were created for.

In my own life, it wasn't until I was honest with myself, that I was able to be honest with God, my family and friends. Even though God knows all there is to know about me, in my humanity, I attempted to keep certain things veiled in the hopes that He would overlook them. Walking out of the dark and into the light was blinding...not just for me, but for those around me. But allowing my life to be sanitized by the light of honesty, has allowed me to grow spiritually and emotionally.

Whitney sang that learning to love "yourself" is the greatest love of all. But that truly can't happen until you are honest with yourself. I can't say that walking into the light of truth was all that easy because it wasn't. But when I look at the life I'm blessed with now and look at the life I had as I cowered behind who I hoped I might be, I can say with absolute clarity that the difference is as stark as the difference between black and white.

Thanks Peterson for your friendship and for continuing to allow your life to be lived in the light of honesty! Your testimony of honesty, grace and growth is reverberating around the globe to an ever widening audience that need to hear it. Blessings to you my friend!

Peacemakers

2006-12-28T14:43:00.000-08:00

“Silver Bells, Silver Bells, It’s Christmas time in the City…” “O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant…” “Hark the Herald Angels sing, glory to the newborn king…”

Sounds of the season greeted me as I meandered through Cerritos Town Center. In shop after shop I was invariably wished a “Merry Christmas” as those paid to separate me from my hard-earned dollars rang up my purchases. From the swankiest stores to the little ma-n-pa shops, everyone seemed intent on wishing me the best Christmas ever.

As I drove along the broad, tree-lined avenues that surround my home, I was struck by how many of my neighbors were in the Christmas spirit. Tens of thousands of dollars had been spent on lighting and decorations. Nativity scenes dotted various lawns. “Merry Christmas” screamed at me from so many of my neighbor’s lawns and in so many shapes, sizes, varieties and colors (not to mention the many different types of lighting used) that it was hard not to get a little worked up.

For those who know me best, you know that I’m not a big fan of Christmas with all its crass commercialism. For the past several years the lead up to Christmas has been made especially tiresome because of the need of certain of these self-proclaimed Christmas guardians to claim that a war on Christmas and Christians has been declared. Likening themselves to the martyrs of ancient days, these self-proclaimed guardians of “tradition” have bullied even the news-media to accept this far-fetched notion that the Christ of Christmas is being done away with.

Call me a skeptic, but I greeted the news of this little “war” with full salt-shaker in hand, and with good reason. The beautiful carols of my childhood still ring out. The Salvation Army bell ringers still greet me in front of nearly every store. Wishes for a Merry Christmas are still arriving, sent from stranger and friend alike. What war?

Ah, but to listen to Bill O’Reilly, of Entertainment Tonight fame (yes…he was originally a purveyor of celebrity and entertainment gossip), tell it, or to hear Jerry Falwell or Jim Dobson (of “I see gay people!” infamy), one would think that Christ and Christmas were in their last throes. Über-Conservative sexpot Ann Coulter was all over the airwaves in the lead-up to the Holidays talking about the exclusion of Christians from the fabric of America. Did I miss something?

This Holiday Season, as I have spent time reflecting on what Christmas is all about (and for those confused, it ain’t about the presents or the trees or the lights or the parties), I have begun to really pay attention to Jesus’ teachings from what we know of as the Sermon on the Mount. “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God” - Matt 5:1 (NIV). As I have thought more and more about this teaching, another scripture has begun running around through my mind; II Peter 2:1 (The Message) says: “But there were also lying prophets among the people then, just as there will be lying religious teachers among you. They'll smuggle in destructive divisions, pitting you against each other - biting the hand of the One who gave them a chance to have their lives back!”

Those that broker in war cannot truthfully be called peacemakers. These purveyors of war have skillfully smuggled “in destructive divisions pitting” us against each other. Why? Could it be because they worship another god? Has the allure of money, power and prestige become more important than humbly following in the path that Christ blazed?

Galatians 5:17 (KJV) says that we have been “called unto liberty” but that we aren’t to use “liberty as an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.” Being a Christian, or follower of Christ, carries a responsibility to serve others. Apparently ministry after ministry and pundit after pundit are more interested in serving themselves and their bank accounts…all in the name of Christ.

This week we lost a great American President…Gerald R. Ford. In today’s society, men like him are rare – both in politics and in church leadership. Men who are willing to cross the ideological aisle and work with those with whom they may fundamentally disagree. And yet, perhaps all is not lost. I listened to Pastor Rick Warren this past week talk about the level of civility and discourse in our country and how it has seemingly disappeared. He then said that it doesn’t have to be this way and in fact is modeling it in his own life.

During this lead-up to a brand new year, I’m working hard at taking Jesus’ words to heart…“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God!” Real happiness in the New Year won’t come from building my empire…it will come by being a peacemaker and by serving others.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

From the sunny beaches of Southern California, we would like to wish you and yours a holiday season filled with love, joy and peace surrounded by those you love. May this season, with all it's activities, be a time for you to enjoy what really matters - family and friends coming together to celebrate the gift of life!

Merry Christmas from the Bullock-Washington household!

Let Your Voice Be Heard!

2006-11-07T13:51:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a family that believed that the two best topics around the dinner table were God and Politics! From a young age, we were able to discuss our questions about God, the politics of the day and the intertwining of the two. As my siblings and I grew older, the questions about God evolved and as they did, so did our view of politics and the place of religion in politics. Today, my siblings and I are very individual in our religious and political beliefs. And we are all very vocal.

This morning I left my house at 6:30a and made my way to the Polling Place assigned to me by the Los Angeles County Clerk. I was surprised, pleasantly, when I got there and found the line was long! I waited patiently and eventually I stuck my card in (none of those vote robbing electronic Diebold systems for us), inked my choices and walked out proudly displaying my "I Voted!" sticker.

November 7 is the day for American's to make our voice heard! Today is the day I let my voice be heard! Like every election since I can remember, I'm scanning every exit poll I can get my hands on to try to gain a feeling on the pulse of my fellow voters. Tomorrow I believe we will wake up and began to shake off a bit of the darkness that has permeated our political landscape. My friend Scott has even made a grand prediction. Perhaps he's on to something.

They say you should never talk about politics or religion around the dinner table. Whoever "they" are should probably take a lesson from my family - politically and religiously diverse and vocal as heck about the issues and questions we hold dear, we also believe in listening to the other voices however different they may be.

This year, I support our President when he says "Let your voice be heard!" Of course, I think that's about the only area of support he's gonna get from me.

No matter what the outcome of the election this year, I ask to you join me in remembering that no matter our political affiliation or our deeply held beliefs, we are ALL united by the bond that is our citizenship in this great country...America!

j.

"...giving alcohol a bad name..."

2006-10-11T15:40:00.000-07:00

You've got to love Wanda Sykes! She cuts through the typical BS and gets right down to "brass-tacks" (as my Southern grandmother was want to say). Like Wanda, I'm really tired of people blaming their bad behavior on alcohol or abuse or whatever is "in" at the moment. Unfortunately, all too often when one of the "moralistic" crew screws up (ala Mel Gibson, soon to be former OH Rep Ney or Mark Foley), it seems that the first inclination is to find something or someone to blame. And lately it's been alcohol. Like Wanda, I've been pretty drunk on occassion and guess what...I haven't tried to blame the world's problems on Jews, accept bribes in exchange for doling out political favors or lure uncomfortable teens into something sacred that should be reserved for consenting adults!

People wonder why "God's Own Party" seems to get punished harder by scandals that without fail touch both parties. Could it be that maybe, just maybe, the GOP, who has loudly proclaimed itself to be the party of morals and moral values, has shown complete failure when it comes to keeping it's own house clean. Personal observation has taught me probably what it's taught you, that those who bleat the loudest about moral issues are usually the ones with the biggest problem. The funny thing is that these people preach like they were at an old-fashioned arbor camp meeting from back in the day, loudly and longly proclaiming that those without a moral compass take the easy way out by finding scape goats (i.e. assigning blame). But as soon as you catch one of these moralistic, bombastadeers with their pants down, or their hand in the cookie jar, they conveniently find something or someone to blame their behavior on. Practicing what they preach isn't really a main-stay from what I see of the zealots on the extreme right.

I was thinking about this the other day, particularly in reference to some who believe that being gay can be blamed on past abuse. They bang the drum that says the reason they had a "gay phase" was because they were abused when they were underage. They then proceed to blame their promiscuous, drug-addled experience on said abuse. I saw someone recently who said that their entire "gay phase" (and did they ever have a doosey one of) could be blamed on that fact that at 13 they messed around with a 16 year old. It would be laughable if it weren't so sad.

It all comes back down to the fact that people, no matter what label they want to use, don't like to accept responsibility. It's so much easier to point fingers than it is to look at the hard reality that maybe, just maybe, we screwed the pooch all by ourselves. That no one held a gun to our head and forced us. That it wasn't that older teen who diddle us that forced us into a life of promiscuity. That it wasn't the fact that we have a drinking problem that caused us to rail against the Jews, hand out political favors like they were candy, or chase after under-age boys. NOPE! Looking at the mess we've made honestly is hard! I know...I've had to do it!

It's time to quit the blame game!! Quit blaming the alcohol or abuse or whatever and start pointing the finger directly at the source of the problem...YOU!!! It seems that people conveniently forget is that alcohol, or any other drug, only serves as a highlighter. Blaming is easy and convenient and takes the focus off of where true responsibility lies! Plus, as long as you find someone else to blame, you'll never really find help! The moralistic crew needs to quit blaming everyone else for their screw-ups! They need to quit speaking out of both sides of their mouth like Hastert recently when he said the "buck stops here" then proceeded to try to pin the blame for his shortcombings on his political opponents!

You know, they really should write a manual for the high and mighty moralistic crew. The first rule should be...if you are going to screw up and make a jackass out of yourself then DON'T blame alcohol!! It gives alcohol a bad name!!

j.

Parenting Challenges!

2006-08-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

It is really easy, in my opinion, to get caught up in the rantings of unhinged and unbalanced people. With just a few clicks of the mouse, I can easily become engrossed in the writings of those who believe that "showing their ass" isn't a bad thing. A few Sundays ago, Ty and I were in the car coming back from a "counselling" session (and I use that term ever so lightly) when we managed to get into a fight about something that was NOT said (but probably should have been) during said session. When I asked why it wasn't said, Ty said "why would I show my ass to___________?!" What Ty really meant was "why would I say something that shows what an asshole I can be?!" There are a lot of people in this world, and in the blogosphere who like to "show their ass"! A lot of them are part of the Americanized version of the Christian Taliban that would like to re-shape America into another Afghanistan (not that they would admit it). Some are like the Nazi's who believed that gassing people who were different to be a good thing.

It should be noted that the Religious Ultra-Right does not have a monopoly on showing their ass though! I think they only difference is, they like to evoke God as a scare tactic and to add "weight" to their arguments. Of course using God can be a bit tricky when you are using it against people who don't believe in God. That's when respect and all those other virtues (which seem so lacking in today's discourse) come into play.

As parents, how do you deal with this onslaught of bigotry and hatred, often perpetrated in the name of God? I don't have a clue! Especially since so much of me is tied so intrinsically to the very theology that has given rise to some of the most nutty among us. Fight it? How? And how do you fight against something that uses the same base as you do? It's confusing isn't it?

Next week, Paris starts the Third Grade. On the 16th, he will turn 8 years old! It's so crazy to me that this little man who came into my life when he was 3, has been in my life for more than half his life. I love the idea that I've been able to have an influence in the type of person he will eventually grow up to be. But some problems showed themselves quite real! Last year, more for our benefit, we got Paris a TV for his bedroom and then allowed him to come home, grab a plate and eat dinner in his room, by himself, in front of the telly. This past week, I opened the letter for his standardized tests and realized that, while he shows real promises in math (tested above the state average), in reading he was far below the average. We also had serious problems last year with "doing what he's told, when he's told!"

Over the summer, I've mulled over what the causes of some of our Second Grade problems were and the best way to resolve them. I even involved "experts" in my thoughts. And uniformly, it became clear to me that lack of involvement, at home, has a direct effect on acting out at school. I can't speak for Ty, but for me, spending too much time "showing my ass" to people who don't really matter, takes away from my responsibility of guiding my child (even if he is a step-child) into adulthood as a healthy, whole person. I finally decided that if we want Paris' Third Grade year to be better than last, then it will require a change on our part.

Last night I sat down with Ty and made a proposal. Ty threw up the usual impediments ("Paris bedtime should be 8:00p!" My response "Paris goes to bed at 8:00p that is true, but is allowed to watch TV until 10:00p or later!"). Luckily I had already anticipated his arguments and had rebuttals ready. Finally he looked at me and said, "let's give it a go!" YAY!!! One of the changes is that we will eat dinner at the table. Of course when I mentioned this, I said "I know you won't join us, but that's my plan." FYI - Ty loves to eat dinner sitting on the sofa...you guessed it...watching TV. And yet he said, "We'll eat dinner together...around the table!" YAY!!

This is going to require some real work on my part! But I'm willing! More than anything, I don't want my kid to grow up to think that "showing my ass" while ignoring the ones closest to me, is a trait that is desirable. I want him to realize that he's special and that he can be anything he sets his mind to! AND that we will love him and support him...NO MATTER! As such, here's the evening schedule. As you can see, it's going to require a good amount of time on my part...but I'm thinking that's a good thing! Perhaps it will help focus me on what's really important as well!

7:00p Dinner
7:30p Help clean-up from Dinner
7:45p Review Homework
8:00p Walk Shiba
8:20p Reading
8:45p Bath/Shower
9:00p Bed Time
10:00p TV Off/Lights Out

I'm hoping this year to show my ass a lot less and show true love as is evidenced by my involvment, a whole lot more!

j.

Quitting

2006-06-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. - Galations 6:9 (the Message)

In a world where everything seems transitory, it is easy I think to give up when things get a little rocky. Perhaps that's why we see over half of marriages end in divorce or why we see relationships come and go on a whim. Not that dissolving a union is particularly easy, because there are a lot of emotions wrapped up in the process, but it is definitely easier to just walk away than it is to put in the enormous amount of work required to make something work.

I'm going through one of those rocky places in my relationship. I could lay out all the reasons for it and pin all the blame on the other side because that would be the easy way out. There are those who might feel that this would be the perfect time to walk away because the other party in this little relationship of mine is not acting particularly worthy of my love and devotion. Certainly it is difficult not to be in agreement with them, particularly when there is behavior that feeds my own insecurities and weaknesses.

On the other hand, I've been given an example that most people in our society don't have. That is the example of my parents, who for nearly 38 years have managed to keep a healthy, strong relationship in tact. When you see them together they make it look so simple. Best friends they are. And yet the smiles, laughter and true friendship one witnesses when they are around them don't tell the whole story. There was the incredible struggle during the first year of their marriage that nearly killed the whole deal. And the time when my mother's nerves literally sent her into a shell, leaving my dad to cope with an incredibly difficult travel schedule coupled with two small kids. Several years ago it really hit home how much they've had to work to maintain what they've got. As we sat around a table one morning, mom very honestly shared with me how she had told my dad that unless he made some changes she wouldn't be able to stay. It shook him up enough to be able to admit that he had become withdrawn and needed a reminder that my mom was his best friend. This month they will celebrate 38 years of marriage and they still are each other's best friends.

Most people today don't have such an amazing example of working together, through the hard stuff, that I do. Most people have in their history fine examples of walking away when the going gets tough. The more I've thought about this, the more I realize that if you love someone and believe in what you've got, then you have to fight for it. Sometimes even when you are the only one fighting. It doesn't mean living defeated and beaten down either. Loving oneself is paramount to any relationship and I'm learning that the more care and attention I give to myself, the more care and attention I can give to those I love most.

As I kissed my other half good night last evening, Galations 6:9 flashed into my head. I can't allow myself to get tired because at the "right time" there will be something good to show for it. I can't guarantee that statement, but I also know that I can't allow myself to think defeatist...to be all dramatic and say "woe is me!" I've got to remember that all things work together for good. Sometimes it's hard to see that when you are in the middle of it and so it's good to be reminded that though there are struggles and extremely difficult hurdles to be crossed, they are part of life. And if I really believe that there will be a payoff, then I can't allow myself to quit just yet.

Sometimes life throws us curves and how we deal with those curves shapes who we become. I've had moments in my past where I took the easy way out. It's made me lazy in my thinking. But if something is worth having, then it is worth fighting for and right now, I've made a decision not to get tired...because at the right time I'll get mine!

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

My mother is an amazing woman who has dedicated her life to her God, her husband, her children and her grandchildren. She has sucessfully balanced her roles as a minister, conference speaker, counselor, office manager, full-time wife and mother and has done it all with a sense of style and grace...and always with a smile on her face and laughter in her voice (and not to bad looking for 60). Constantly striving for a deeper relationship with God, she is an avid studier of the scriptures. When we get together, she reminds us often to "make happy memories!" No matter the stages of my life, and I've had a few that qualify as doozies, I've never doubted her love. Even when we've butted heads, she has been quick to put her arms around me and tell me how much she loves me, her "favorite oldest son." Some would say I'm lucky to have a mother like the one I've been blessed with...and I won't argue with them.

Happy Mother's Day...I love you!

j.

Magical Rose Gardens

2006-05-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

Dale Carnegie once said that "all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon -- instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside of our windows today." I've been thinking a lot about that statement over the past few days and it kind of rings true for me. Being one of those dreamer types, I tend to believe in those "pie-in-the-sky" kind of things - lots of money, perfect family, perfect car, perfect house, perfect friends, big mansion in the afterlife where streets are paved with gold. Since none of those things exist right now in my life, it's easy to think that spend an inordinate amount of time in that "better" place.

A lot of energy goes into thinking about the afterlife. Perhaps that is because of the imperfections that are all around us or because we don't have the perfect life now, whatever the reason, we tend to wish for the "end-game" when all our "enemies" will be blown to smithereans and we'll get a spectacular mansion just down the street from god or at the very least a saint (mother tereasa would be nice). I can hear someone saying that is fatalistic thinking and I would agree. And yet, a little over 30 percent of the world engages in some form of this type of "fatalistic" thinking. When things get tough, we start to rely more heavily on our faith in a being that floats nebulously above our atmosphere who will one day right all the wrongs that exist in our little world. In the meantime, he/she is kept awfully busy chatting with a rather dim-witted man who is the current communication tool (I think tool is the operative word). This thinking has us believing in a rosy scenario in the "by-and-by" thereby allowing us to scrape by in our little hum-drum reality like we've been numbed by an overdose of Prozac.

Are we missing something in the here-and-now because we are too busy dreaming about our "mansion over the hilltop"? I'm fairly certain that the "pie-in-the-sky" dreams serve a purpose. I'm also fairly certain that living in a Prozac wonderland leaves us out of the enjoyment business today. We deny ourselves a real life today so we can enjoy a "magical rose garden" upon our death. I wonder how healthy this obsession is. Is living in fantasy land making us happier, healthier people? And doesn't it sound just a little bit like denial?

Please understand that I'm not suggesting that our reality is it...that there is no after-life. But I'm beginning to feel that to constantly live in that world deprives me of the enjoyment of the "roses that are blooming" right outside my window.

The other day a random thought occured to me - Live your best life now! But how can that be accomplished if all I can see is something that is just out of reach? If this world is the ultimate "master-planned community" and we are part of that master-plan, then doesn't it stand to reason that we are to enjoy our time here? Don't you think that the creator must be sad when he sees so many of his creation destroying our world or worse, choosing to ignore all the beauty around them because they are too caught up in their dreams of what life will be like when god sends the bad people to suffer and the good ones (aka the dreamers) get to live in that "magical rose garden just over the horizon"?

Some say that they are "heaven-minded" but I'm beginning to think it's just a coping mechanism because they can't, or won't, live in their current reality. As for me, I've made a determination to start looking for the roses that "are blooming outside" my window. It doesn't mean I'm going to forget all about that "magical rose garden over the horizon" because I'm still going to dream about it. Dreaming has it's place and purpose. But living in dream-land all the time has a tendancy to make reality look awfully drab.

Jesus Led Me All The Way

2006-04-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

Jesus led me all the way
Led me step by step each day
I will tell the Saints and Angels
As I lay my burdens down
Jesus led me all the way

My earliest memories of MamMa Bullock have revolved around music. By the time I came along in 1969, she and my grandfather were well established evangelists, traveling the United States preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. As a young child, I had the priviledge of traveling with them as they held revivals for various churches. MamMa always sat in the backseat of the car as we traveled, reading biographies of the great Christian leaders who so notably left their mark. Often, MamMa would join her soft soprano with my grandfather's booming voice as they would sing some of the old standards.

Getting to stay with MamMa and Pappa was always a treat. Some of my amazing memories involve MamMa following me around the kitchen as I would carry a glass of milk, gently reminding me to "becareful and don't spill it." Or fixing a boo boo that little boys in Texas are want to get. But I think that it's her singing that I remember the most. Always, always with a song on her lips; reminding anyone in earshot that she had a friend in Jesus and that He was watching over her every move.

She was born on April 27, 1926 at the Nan Travis Hospital in the little East Texas town of Jacksonville; the second of five children born to the Spears family of the one stop sign town of Alto. After graduating from highschool, she went on to business school and then married my grandfather (who lived just across the street from her growing up). She gave birth to three amazing children. But probably the most important day of her life was the day she had an encounter with Jesus Christ. That encounter changed the course of her life forever. Soon after that conversion, my grandfather accepted Christ and they began a journey together to share the Good News that Jesus Christ came to seek and to save the lost.

Over these past 80 years, she has had to endure great tragedy such as loosing my grandfather when he was only 60 years old. That didn't stop her from her mission though. I rather think it made her more determined to carry on the mission that she and my grandfather had started. She became Dean of Students for her denomination's Bible College, literally affecting the lives of an untold number of young kids training to go out and spread this message that she believed in so passionately. In fact, it wasn't until shortly after her 79th birthday that she finally retired from that position.

Retirement has not put her off that mission though. While she now enjoys the warm ocean breezes off the Gulf Coast of Florida, she's still sharing her heart with the world around her. And she still has a song on her lips. A song of praise to Jesus Christ for leading her over every mountain peak and every valley floor. When I look around at the legacy that is her's, I see children who are active in the ministry that she and my grandfather started. Both of her sons are pastors with ever-growing ministries. Her daughter is a pastor's wife, pattering her own ministry after that of MamMa.

All MamMa's neighbors have come to know and love her. On any given Sunday, it's a safe bet that she's giving rides to some of them to church. She can be heard leading the intercessory prayer group at church; continuing to beseech God for revival in her life, her families lives, her church, her community and her world. In a conversation she and I had recently, she told me of a little book that she had been reading and how God was showing her that there was still pruning to be done in her life. It's always humbling to see one of the saints modeling the thought that they still have a lot of growing left to do.

I don't know how many more years I will have to share with this most amazing lady. A lady who continues to be a leader and a servant. A lady who has shared her passion for Jesus with more people than I will probably ever know. What I do know is that as long as she walks this earth she will be singing the praises of the One who she remains completely indebted to.

I'm in awe of the heritage I have! I'm in awe of this true saint of God who has truly lived out the message of the cross that Jesus Christ is the answer for the world today. As I've been thinking a bit about her life and legacy, I keep hearing that soft southern accented voice gently singing...

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
For His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me.

As the words of that song fade, I'm struck by the realization that He is still leading her, "step by step each day." She is truly living out the scripture that says, "in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Ask her...she'll be more than happy to tell you all about how He has led and how He continues to lead!

Happy 80th birthday MamMa!

I love you!

Carry Each Other

2006-02-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

This past Wednesday was one of Hollywood's biggest nights. Just about everywhere one looked, the stars were out in abundance. The reason was the 48th Annual Grammy Awards, broadcast live from the Staples Center here in Los Angeles. I waited with baited breath for my invitation and, failing to get that, plopped myself down in front of my 46 inch widescreen to watch the festivities in high definition.

This was a night for our music stars to shine their brightest and did they ever; showing up in their best outfits giving tribute to the biggest name designers and jewelers. Unlike for some, this was not my primary reason to watch and, although they looked beautiful, I was only interested in the music. Madonna kicked the show off with an impressive display of why she remains one of the musical icons of our generation. Other artists performed their hits with abandon and, sprinkled throughout the performances a host of awards were given to the creme de la creme.

At one point in the evening, U2 came out to perform one of their hits and as always, nailed the performance. I've enjoyed U2 over the years and that enjoyment has grown into admiration as I've learned more about Bono and the crusade he has led to get those of us who are blessed with so much to help out those who have so little. In fact, I had just read his speech to President Bush and Washington Law Makers at the National Prayer Breakfast where he exhorted the President and Congress of this most blessed of nations to do more for those who are considered the "least."

As Bono and U2 wrapped up their high energy performance, they segued into their hit One. I perked up. I got even more excited as Mary J. Blige came out and added her soulful voice, turning the number into a true gospel performance. As Bono and Mary J. Blige sang "One Love ~ One Blood ~ One Life ~ You got to do what you should ~ One Life ~ With each other ~ Sisters ~ Brothers ~ One Life ~ But we aren't the same ~ We get to carry each other ~ Carry each other ~ One" I began to hear the words of Galatians 6:2 in the scriptures. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens and so complete Christ's law.

In a world that has become increasingly divided along religious, political and socio-economic lines, the words recorded in the scriptures become a startling wake-up up call. Our differences don't give us the excuse to refuse to help out our fellow man. It seems in our world it becomes increasingly easy to marginalize those who disagree with us. By marginalizing them, we in essence excuse ourselves from helping them in their moments of need. We've become very judgmental in our approach to dealing with those less fortunate than ourselves, blaming poor decision making, or any number of other factors as the reason for their current misfortune...as if that excuses us from our duty.

If Galatians is really in effect, then for those of us who are believers, our duty to the law of Christ boils down to one thing: bearing one another's burdens. Recently I read the posting of someone who confessed how he had recently been convicted of a lack of compassion for those who had made poor choices and were reaping the results of those choices. He made the comment, that as a former law enforcement officer, he had really got in the mindset that these people got what they deserved. And yet, it struck him one day that if he got what he deserved from our Maker, he too would be suffering. As I read that, I wondered if perhaps those of us who are believers have gotten to a point where we are more willing to write people off because of poor decisions, than to we are to helping restore them to wholeness.

If we are to fulfill the law of Christ, then we have to realize, as Bono and Mary J. Blige sang, that we've got to carry each other. The fulfillment of the law of Christ revolves around the message that we are inter-dependent. We need one another. Not to sit in judgment! But to carry each other when the chips are down. To bear the burdens of our fellow man. It shouldn't matter whether they have a different religious belief! It shouldn't matter that they are on a different level socio-economically! It shouldn't matter that they might have made choices we would not have! The fulfillment of Christ's law doesn't have us sitting on a jury or as a judge, rather it has us joining hands, despite our differences, and remembering that we are one and that we must carry each other.

Where's The Life-Changing Message?

2006-02-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

It all seemed too perfect in the beginning. My cousin and her husband, along with my sister, brother in law and their kids, met up with my family and some friends for a little hiking. The reviews for Millard Canyon and Dawn Mine created no small buzz among our little group with their depictions of bubbling streams, breathtaking vistas surrounded by beautiful flora and fauna and topped off by the intrigue of possibly exploring an old shut-down gold mine straight out of California Gold Rush Days. Yes, the day was starting out just perfect.

Almost right away, a small crack showed itself in the perfect foundation of our day when two of our group, in training to run the Saint Louis Marathon, decided to run 6 miles up the fire road and then meet us back at the cars. I wondered at the time if perhaps we had a failure to communicate and should all stay together, but honestly, I was so excited about the hike that the thought slipped in and then slipped right out. As we started down Sunset Trail, the vistas of the Canyon were breathtaking, just like the reviews said. Yep, it was going to be a great day!

I was a little worried when it dawned on me that we had hiked in a good ways and my sister, brother-in-law and two nephews were still with us. As crazy as it sounds though, the trails and rocks and streams deceptively drew you further and further into the canyon until finally, we were much farther in than we imagined. Jumping over massive boulders, keeping watch out for poison ivy…heck, keeping watch out for each other created a sense of bonding that made time come to a complete stop. So close to the hustle and bustle that Los Angeles is, and yet so far away. The only sounds were those of the birds chirping, the water cascading down the rocks and the sound of leaves rustling and sticks snapping as we reveled in the beauty.

I will tell on myself a little bit here: I didn’t pack a lunch and while we did bring a back-pack and water, we left all that extra weight in the car. And so, long about 1:30p, when we stopped for a little breather, I began to wish that I had planned a little bit better. Thankfully, Daniele’s mom had lovingly wrapped tuna sandwich halves individually and as luck would have it, was quite willing to share in their bounty. And let’s be honest…hiking in the fresh air brings on the appetite.

By several hours into the hike, the trail was nearly impossible to find and the rocks and boulders we were climbing over were HUGE. I started to get a little bit nervous when I looked at my sister’s face. Her face told me that they had bitten off more than they had intended to chew and now were faced with the reality of just getting through…with two boys who by now were getting a little tired from all the walking and hiking and had found the great out-of-doors to have lost a bit of it’s luster.

In a stroke of excellent luck, we stumbled across a guy who apparently lived in the Canyon (either that or explored it every other day). He pointed us to the exact path that would take us up the side of the canyon wall to the fire road…some 1,600 feet above us. He also told us that it would be easier to go back the way we came (a mere 3.6 miles). Being the experienced hikers that we are, we chose to go up the side of the canyon wall. In front of me, my youngest nephew, Canon, decided he had had enough and began to wail. He wailed and I walked behind him making faces (probably had more to do with the wailing than his tired feet). Making faces at a two year old can be exhausting, especially when attempting to keep my balance on a narrow dirt trail cut into the side of a canyon wall. As such, quite a ways up the canyon wall, I took a moment from my face-making duties to view the most excellent scenery spread far, far, far, far, far…damn that’s a long way down…oh crap I’m afraid of heights…slowly sitting, just breathing, in and out, in and out…

Whewwww…Eventually I did pull through. Daniele and her mom sandwiched me and we continued on until we finally, finally reached the fire road and looked back down in total shock and awe at how far we had climbed on that most narrow of loose rock and dirt trails (let’s be honest…sometimes you had to turn sideways to avoid falling into the unforgiving beauty below). It was such reliefs to hit the fire road on the ridge and to start the short (honest) 1.6 or 2.4 mile (we really don’t know for sure) walk back to the cars (thankfully all down hill). In the meantime, we did manage to get a hold of the two in our group who had splintered off to run. Being from Kansas City (out for a visit), I’m sure it must have been a bit horrifying to be left on the side of a canyon, with no car keys for hours on end wondering where the hell we were (and no food by the way, or water, during the hottest part of the day…oops…for people who plan well, we somehow let the ball drop on this one).

Usually, by now, I would have managed to weave a good faith building, better-life having analogy…but frankly, I’m still worn out from all that fresh air. Instead, I’m just going to wrap this up by telling you that we got back to the car hours after our initial depart time of 11:30a having given everyone a hasty “love you, mean it, bye” hug and peck on the cheek. We hopped into our respective cars and got the heck out of dodge. As for the gold mine (and the analogy on how to live a better life because I climbed some steep ass canyon wall while nearly wetting myself)…well, you’ll have to wait until next time. And yes, there will be a next time, at least for me, simply because we got really close…but not close enough. And while the sounds of civilization (i.e. traffic from the 210) were some of the most welcoming sounds I had heard in a long time…I feel the need to head back down sometime in the near future because there’s “gold in them thar hills y’all”!

Mad props to Daniele for being the organizing genius she is, her parents for their guidance, walking sticks and for sharing their vittles, Susie and Aaron (all the way from KC), Sherilyn, Allan, Ty and of course, the toughest of us all…Paris (7), Gordon (4) and Canon (2).

j.

Reflections on Sight

2006-01-09T15:49:00.000-08:00

“How privileged you are to see what you have seen” – Luke 10:23

This weekend, I was blessed to be able to watch An Evening of Stars, Tribute to Stevie Wonder, a benefit put on by the United Negro College Fund. As I watched Fantasia, India Arie, Fred Hammond and other’s perform compilations of Stevie’s work and their own, I sat in awe of this amazing man who has used the eyes of God to paint some of the most amazingly vivid canvases known to man today.

During the show, a woman came on and told the story of her mother who, as a single woman, pursued her Master’s degree while raising seven children all of whom went to college. She valued education and she instilled in her children this belief that they too could be anything they wanted to be and that education was the way for it to happen. Each one of those seven children has gone on to great success, but throughout their lives they’ve always clung to an old saying their mother taught them about what to do when life threw them curves and left them knocked down, bruised and battered (sound familiar?).

If you can open your eyes
Then you can look up

If you can look up
Then you can get up

If you can get up
Then you can move on

We are told this in this life we will have trouble but that we should not be afraid because Christ has already over come the world. Too often, we get into messes in our lives and we throw our hands up, scream and cry and believe the world to be over…at least the little world we’ve managed to glue together (I particularly am fond of Elmer’s Glue). We refuse to listen to any encouraging word; rather we want to wallow in misery. Heck, even when Jesus Christ hung on the Cross, those who chronicled His life, record Him as asking His Father God why He had turned His back on Him. The KJV actually uses the word “forsaken” which seems to imply a sort of desperation.

There are so many people who life has dealt a crappy hand. Some people are born with physical challenges. Others just seem to constantly be standing under the drain spout of life…getting deluged and left wet and bedraggled. There have been times in my own life where I have wished that I could just die. Life as I knew it sucked. Why go on?

As I thought about my life and how crappy things got for me, I remembered the story of this kid that got a nice inheritance from his dad. As soon as his dad forked over his part of the money, he took the heck off! He was grown up…didn’t need dad…didn’t need anyone! He moved into a tight-ass apartment in the City and threw some killer parties. He had a ton of friends who helped him spend, spend, spend and party, party, party! However, as often happens when you are partying, you loose track of your money and so as he sat with his accountant he was hit with the awful fact that he had spent everything. He started selling off his things until finally he ended up with nothing but a nasty drug habit living on the streets, in the gutter basically, fighting the stray dogs that roamed the streets for scraps of food.

One morning, as he pulled himself together out of the shadows in that back alley, he had a moment of clarity, when he remembered that he had eyes. In his mind, he saw his dad’s place and he realized that even his dad’s workers lived better than he was living. He opened his eyes and looked up and there was his dad, holding out his hand. His dad, as recorded in the scriptures, saw him coming from a long way away and ran towards him. Then he threw him a party. Ok, I know that all of our messes don’t come to tidy little resolutions like this one, but, it’s important to remember to look up once in a while, especially when we are at the bottom.

There will be times in our lives, whether by choices we’ve made, or just because life plays cruel little tricks on us, where we will find ourselves at the bottom of the barrel. How we face these rough times, will determine how successful we will be. Do I stay down in the cold damp ditch, wrapped up in the fetal position, tightly closing my eyes…shielding me from the awful world around me or, do I remember that it is a privilege to see? Lately I keep coming back to the conclusion that when I use the eyes I’ve been given, whether my spirit eyes or my physical eyes, I will never be too lost because if I can see something, then I can reach it! Sometimes all it takes is remembering to open our eyes!

j.

Happy Holidays!

2005-12-22T13:03:00.000-08:00

Remembering

2005-11-21T17:24:00.000-08:00

"Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good? Will he never smile again? Is his love worn threadbare? Has God forgotten his manners? Has he angrily stalked off and left us? 'Just my luck,' I said, 'The High God goes out of business just the moment I need him.'" Psalm 77 (somewhere in the middle)

"Don't you know what's next, can you see what's coming, all you barefaced liars? Pointed arrows and burning coals will be your reward." Psalm 120 (somewhere towards the beginning)

"I look up to the mountains, does my strength come from the mountains? No my strength comes from God who made heaven and earth and mountains. He won't let you stumble; your Guardian God won't fall asleep. Not on your life! Your guardian will never doze or sleep. God's your guardian, right at your side to protect you -- sheilding you from sunstroke, sheltering you from moonstroke. God guards you from every evil, he guards your very life. He guards you when you leave and when you return, he guards you now, he guards you always." Psalm 121 (all of it)

With such an emphasis today on prayer for all the victims of this week's tragedy I decided to read through some of the Psalms that I learned when I was a kid. Funny how some of them stuck out today as I read them. Psalm 77 really spoke to me of the depression and saddeness I feel when I think about all this stuff. Where are you God? Why did you allow this to happen to so many innocent people? I refuse to believe it is based on what those morons Falwell and Robertson said (that you are pissed at America for forgetting about you and allowing "secularism" into our society). In fact I fired off an e-mail tonight to Falwell telling him exactly how I felt about how much his comments went toward making the wounds deeper instead of healing them. Crazy that someone who considers himself to be a man of God could spew so much crap. But of course he does it to help bring in more money to his "ministry" since he funds it off of the backs of poor people who view God as that angry guy standing over the balconey of heaven waiting to nail us in the head with a brick every time we don't do what the preacher on TV says.

The second reading really speaks to my anger at the people who perpetrated this terror on my country. They can't know what's next for them...but they better be frightened because we are going to blow their asses so far out of the water. I guess, that Psalmist says it a little bit nicer (all though how nice is it to call someone a barefaced liar), but still the reward won't be pretty and I hope it is as one staffer I heard say...way out of proportion to what has been done to us.

Psalm 121 was always one of my favorite Psalms as a kid. I remember dad basing a sermon on it. He and his Partner were on a plane that nearly crashed in the middle of a storm. Where do you look during times of trouble and saddness? I've spent so much of my life right on the edge of trouble, but reading this Psalm always made me feel just a little bit safer. I think had I been on one of the planes, winging my way toward what they must have known would be certain death, I would have quoted this Psalm. Probably even out loud. God's always guarding us, when we leave and when we return. Now and always! Does that mean nothing bad will ever happen? I don't think so. Look at all those people on those flights. It would bring up the question, "how come God wasn't guarding them?" I can't really answer that, except to say that I won't always understand what goes on in this world. Sometimes evil wins a battle...but that doesn't mean evil is going to win the war.

I lit a candle outside tonight to show my solidarity with the victims. It lasted a couple of minutes then blew out. I thought that was about appropriate for what happened in our world this week. So I brought the candle in and lit another one and am writing by candle light tonight. I decided against Tiesto tonight. Tonight I put in Sandra Collins (Transport 3), the song of the night is by Shane, C'Est Musique [Armin Van Bouren Remix] -- simply awe inspiring. I often have to be in the right mood for her but I was thinking about New Years and getting to hang with her for a while before her set at TogetherAsOne. It just seemed fitting to listen to her. Her set that night was so inspiring.

Tomorrow is a new day. Soon this horrific week will be over and I for one will be glad of it. I had a terrible thought today. My dad leaves on Sunday for another trip. And all I could think of for a while was that his plane would crash. I even played in my head something like a phone call from him knowing he was going to die. How morbid. I'm tired of being morbid. It is time to rejoin life...I am alive...I think I'm going to start acting like it.

I'm not going out tonight. I am going to sleep...to dream in silence waiting for the dawn of a new day! I think that is much like where the country is at right now...sitting in dark silence as we wait for a new day!

j.
________________________________

Written on September 14, 2001 - National Day of Prayer and Rememberance for those who died on September 11, 2001.

A Light Shined In The Darkness!

2005-10-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

Rosa Parks was a mite of a woman who cast a mighty shadow!

by Wayne Greenhaw

Quiet, unassuming, shy, she appeared to be the antithesis of the symbol of a worldwide movement. Yet her simple action and strong determination embodied the power of the civil rights movement that was born after she refused to give up her seat on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus on December 1, 1955.

When James F. Blake, the white driver of the bus, stepped toward the back of the bus and neared the "colored" sign behind which Mrs. Parks sat, she recognized him as the same driver who had been abusive toward her in 1943. At that earlier time he'd ordered her off the bus on which she was riding after a disturbance broke out among other black riders. Since then, she'd made it a practice never to ride a bus he was driving. On this evening, however, she supposed she was just too tired to pay attention to the driver. She'd simply gotten on, paid her dime, and found her seat.

When Blake ordered the blacks sitting on Mrs. Parks' row to move, two black women across the aisle began gathering their things. Mrs. Parks, who was sitting in an aisle seat, shifted to allow room for the black man who was sitting next to the window to move.

When Blake asked her, "Are you going to stand up?" she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "No," she said plainly.

"Well, I'm going to have you arrested," Blake said.

Then, very clearly, she said, "You may do that."

Although she had attended the Highlander Folk School where Myles Horton taught civil disobedience and peaceful integration, and although she had been E.D. Nixon's part-time secretary in the local NAACP office, she told me years later, "When I got on the bus that evening I wasn't thinking about causing a revolution or anything of the kind. I was thinking about my husband, how he'd spent his day at the barber shop at Maxwell Air Force Base, where he worked. I was hoping he'd had a good day. I was thinking about my back aching and about the pretty sights and sounds of Christmas. I was thinking about how we were going to have a good time this Christmas, and everybody was going to be happy.

"But when that white driver stepped back toward us, when he waved his hand and ordered us up and out of our seats, I felt a determination cover my body like a quilt on a winter night. I felt all the meanness of every white driver I'd seen who'd been ugly to me and other black people through the years I'd known on the buses in Montgomery. I felt a light suddenly shine through the darkness.

"I'd been happy early in the year when Claudette Colvin had been arrested for refusing to give up her seat on the bus. I'd been with Mr. Nixon when he'd declared it exactly what the black community needed. I'd seen the light in his eyes at the thought of being able to fight against the oppression of the laws that were keeping us down. I'd called my white lady friend Virginia Durr and we started calling folks to alert them to what was going to happen. We knew we were going to have to have help for a long struggle.

"Then I saw the hurt in Mr. Nixon's eyes when he found out the Claudette Colvin case wasn't the one we could use. I saw the silent hurt take over. But I wasn't thinking about all of that while I sat there and waited for the police to come.

"All I could think about, really and truly, was the Lord would help me through all of this. I told myself I wouldn't put up no fuss against them arresting me. I'd go along with whatever they said. But I also knew I wasn't gonna give up my seat just because a white driver told me to; I'd already done that too many times. As soon as they arrested me, I knew, I'd call Mr. Nixon and let him know what had happened. Then we'd see."

__________________

About the author: Journalist and writer Wayne Greenhaw is co-author with Donnie Williams of the recently published book "The Thunder of Angels: The Montgomery Bus Boycott and the People who Broke the Back of Jim Crow." Greenhaw wrote this article after Rosa Parks' death.

That ain't love!

2005-10-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

Today someone said to me that they don't like a certain segment of the population because they believe they are always using the excuse of race to gain some sort of leg up in the world. He had already made a disparaging remark or two about black people, so I pressed him farther. He told me that of course he wasn't talking specifically about black people, but rather about people who use the race card when they whine about their lot in life. He followed that up by saying that he could love these people, but he didn't have to like them.

I've had a running conversation with this man regarding "moral absolutes" lately. This man believes that most things in this life are black and white issues. He has often accused me of believing that nothing is absolute! To be honest, I wonder how people can be so ignorant! "God is this way" they scream! "God doesn't like people like you" they say. One of the favorite beliefs is that since they are a Christian, they are suddenly filled with this nebulous "love" that doesn't mean having to like someone. Seriously, how ignorant can you be? How can you love someone and not like them? I can hear someone saying now, "well my Aunt Sally is a total imbecile and I do NOT like her, but hell, she's family so I love her!" We all know that is bullshit! If you loved her even a little bit, you would make an effort to love her!

True love casts out fear! True love covers a multitude of sins! True love! Not this mamby-pamby kind of love my friend seems to think he has. This sprinkle of love that he has for everyone just so he can get to heaven. That's not love! Love bridges our differences and makes us one. Love helps us understand one another! Love does not mean being in perfect agreement! Love means being in perfect harmony, even in the midst of disagreements. That's why I can look at some of my friends and say "I love you!" Do we see eye to eye? Hell no! But we would go to the mat for one another!

In the scriptures, Jesus told us that there is no greater love that someone can have, that to give his own life for his friends. I think the addition to that would be that love doesn't expect you to do the same for me! Love, real love understands the differences between us and understands that you might react differently! Love doesn't hold grudges! It let's them go for the greater good! And, no loves doesn't mean you never have to say your sorry! Love means having to actually eat crow sometimes!

I'm sorry for people who have such a cramped and narrow view that they think that people different from them aren't deserving of being liked! Because if you don't get to know me, you'll never love me! Love isn't a piece of candy we swallow that makes the world look like pink cotton! Love grows in us and then flows out of us! It must be tended, like a flower! It must be given attention so that it will grow! If you can't be around someone because you don't like them, I'm going to boldly say, you'll never learn to love them!

Birthday Thanks!

2005-10-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

A great big thank you to everyone who made my birthday so special this year! From cards to dinner and dancing; from games to books and bags; from calls to shoes and shirts; you've each one managed to make me feel incredibly special! In fact, the celebration for my birthday has been pretty much non-stop since last Thursday evening. While I'm a bit exhausted today, I feel surrounded by your love!

Thanks again for the shower of love!

A Simple Poem

2005-09-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to
spend the night with you
eat with you
take you to meet my friends
make you one of them
take you to bed
make you one with me
say I love you
hear you say the same
meditate, with your heartbeat as
my mantra.

I wanted the sun,
and a goodly portion of the moon.

All I got was this poem,
which I wanted to be
a happy one.

--Peter McWilliams--

Anniversaries

2005-09-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've been in a funk! A funk that won't go away! I feel raw! Almost as if emotions are living right on my sleeve and I have no control over them. I feel debilitated and it sucks!

This morning I made the discovery that as of next week, I will have lived in LA for five years. Five years is a long time, longer in fact than anywhere I have ever lived at any one given time. I distinctly remember lying in my bed and trying to decide whether to make the move to LA. I had been laid off from my job and was feeling rudder-less. I had just packed my sister and her husband up and helped them move away from the Bay Area that we called home. My connection points were gone and frankly, I had an itch. I needed to be somewhere different for a while. I made the move and have enjoyed an amazing five years!

Next week is also the anniversary of my first meeting with the person who has become my life partner. The meeting itself really didn't point to anything more than a quick hook-up, but it has grown into this amazing relationship that continues to built and get stronger and deeper. I am reminded that three years is a another new milestone for me as it is the longest I’ve continuously been in a relationship. As I look back over the last three years, it is amazing the storms we've weathered! Our relationship has afforded me the opportunity to become a parent, even if it is preceded by the word step. I'm blessed in ways that I don't even have words for.

In a few short days I will celebrate my 36th birthday! It’s a milestone that points to my ever hastening advance towards old age. For the first time, I'm starting to feel the creaks and groans from those joints that don't quite function like they used to. A recent consultation with my Doctor confirmed that I need to start taking a little better care of myself because I'm not a spring chick anymore. The big 40 is looming ever larger and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

The night I made the decision to move, I distinctly remember a verse from the scriptures meandering through my consciousness. Jeremiah 29:11 says: "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." When I look back over the last five years, I am amazed at the blessings that have come into my life. Success has come in many forms, from amazing friendships to a wonderful life partner and this amazing opportunity to affect the life of a little tyke who I adore. I really have been given the future I hope for.

So why this funk? Sometimes, setting down roots means sacrificing a few things. I've always been transitory, never settling down in one place long enough to establish anything more than a surface or shallow root system. I met Jason the first week I moved here in an interview for a job that was much more like an interview for a date. Our friendship has developed into this amazing force that is invaluable to me. I treasure him as a true friend and brother! Not to long ago he made an announcement to me that he was packing up and leavin' town. I didn't like the idea! Last night he informed me that his leave date had moved up considerably. I liked the idea even less!

This morning, I started to realize that it's not his leaving that is bothering me. Our friendship will remain strong whether he is right around the corner or on the other side of the globe. But his leaving did point out that I don't have the ability to just pick up and go. I've always had that ability before and now I don't. I'm extremely blessed and thankful for everything I have and I don't want to loose it, but that also means that I have to factor others into any equation and maybe, just maybe, I'm having a bit of hard time coping with that thought.

As I celebrate these milestones in my life, I do so with twinge of sadness. Sadness for the things I can't do anymore. Maybe that's where my funk is coming from! But the sadness, I think, is outweighed by the sense excitement of what is to come. With these milestones, I'm walking into uncharted territory; territory that has the potential to take me to levels that I've never experienced. It's frightening a little bit! The future is wide open!

Today I've decided to review the advice of Patrick Overton who said that "if you must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe one of two things will happen; either you will find something solid to step on or you will be taught how to fly." This future that is opening up for me is more than I have ever imagined! And you know what, even as I'm writing this, my funk is starting to fade! Maybe that's all it took...a reminder that I'm NOT growing stagnant at all! Maybe these anniversaries are an occasion to celebrate after all!