Sleeve Notes 101

We've Moved!

2007-08-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

After calling Blogger home for quite some time, I've finally decided to move to a new format. I hope that you will follow me over to the new place. Let me know what you think!

Sleeve Notes 101

j.

Life Under the Big Top

2007-07-31T12:37:00.000-07:00

The Circus is in town! The Circus is in town! The voice in my head sounded eerily similar to the voices I remembered from my one experience of visiting the circus as a kid! And, like with my previous experience, that voice filled my entire being with a sense of excitement! The Circus is in town!

It was late in the afternoon on a Friday. The end of a really difficult week. The beginning of a difficult weekend! I was pooped! The week had in fact been so exhausting that I was feeling pretty clueless about what the fare would be for dinner, let alone how I was going to keep an 8 year old occupied for the entire weekend. It's not that I usually shirk my parenting duties over the weekend, rather, the week in review had been especially dismal and I was just too tired to plan. And so, it was with welcome relief that I noticed the circus was in town! What little boy wouldn't be excited? Heck, I was excited! I found a place to park, ran over to the ticket window and purchased two tickets for Saturday afternoon's show! This was going to be fun!

Several years ago, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey joined forces and now, here they were, the biggest thing at the STAPLES Center that weekend. And what a show it looked like it was going to be. Saturday dawned sunny and hot with hardly a breeze to be found. Like many of the residents of my fair city, we don't have air-conditioning in our home and so, I counted the minutes until it was time to join the throngs of families as we headed off to see The Greatest Show on Earth!

It didn't take me long to realize that taking your kid to the Circus is much less about them getting to see the elephants and tigers and much more about the ability of those hawking cheap souvenirs to part you from your hard earned cash. First stop was the concession stand where I dropped my first cool $50 all the while comparing this trip to some dates I've had (hint - they've been cheaper, nicer and probably with better results). As we collected our mugs, nachos, hot dogs, pretzels and soda, I had a quick desire to bolt out the front door. What had I gotten myself into?

Finding our aisle, we waited for an attractive lady to point us to our seats. They were good ones!! Only a few rows up, dead center and right on the aisle. There would be no climbing over anyone for us!! It also meant that the Circus hawkers had us in their sites. And man, did they ever have a lot of crap to see. First up was the guy with all these little wands with flashing lights ($20). Then came the guy with the cotton candy. At $12 I declined causing Paris to shoot me a death stare. It was the first of many I'm afraid! Word of advice, don't get to the show too early...you'll end up loosing your shirt before the show has started.

Finally, several thousand dollars later, the announcement was made over the loud speakers. The show was about to begin. Not a sound was heard as a hush fell over the crowded arena. Then, bursting out of the curtains came the clowns. The action was constant and hard to focus on! In fact, I found my eyes bouncing all over the arena as different things were going on in different areas. My head started to hurt!

Without notice, the lights in the arena dimmed and the booming voice of Ringmaster Tyron McFarlan welcomed us to The Greatest Show on Earth (I know, I've said it before...but heck, it's the Circus...what do you expect). For the next three solid hours, in a nicely chilled arena, the action was non-stop, and all over the place. Taba had his Tigers dancing on hind legs while trained horses did the fox trot (keeping their pooper scoopers quite busy in the process). There were brothers on high-line wires and flying trapeze artists. There were contortionists doing their thing next to elephants dancing round the staging areas tail to tusk. And all the while the clowns were busy interjecting themselves into every little thing and, as usual, causing mayhem. And then, with great fanfare, a giant cannon was brought in and the Ringmaster declared that we were going to be witnessing history. With a loud BOOM, Brian and Tina came flying out of the canon, skillfully sailing through the air! Whew! What a show!

I'll be honest, I was a little bit exhausted as we exited STAPLES! Paris on the other head had to tell me about all the things that I missed! He insisted on doing mad dashes followed by handstands and somersaults. I wanted a glass of wine and bed! Eventually we found our car, got in and joined the throngs of those who, like us, were still just a little bit over amped from all we had seen! As we headed down Figueroa, I heard the soft sounds of contented sleep coming from a little boy who had just left his first Circus.

Life under the big top is controlled mayhem! Much like our own lives! There are a lot of things vying for our attention, time and pocketbooks. Usually, right in the big middle of everything are the clowns causing mayhem and mischief. If you are like me, you find it all just a little bit exhausting! But as I looked over at my little boy, head leaned up against the window of the car with a full moon shining on him, I felt strangely warmed. I was reminded that as we journey through this life with all it's distractions, our Father God is watching over our every move and that it's ok to crawl up into his arms and take a little breather once in a while.

I enjoyed our time under the big top! It reminded me of life...real life!

My Umbrella

2007-06-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

It's early! Too early for a Saturday morning! Sure, we meant to get up at the crack of dawn, but dawn hadn't even arrived when we rolled out of bed. The sky is gray with a light mist falling. Soon enough it will clear off and the landscape will join in a grand showcase of brilliance. But for now, it's gray.

The smell of fresh brewed coffee greeted me as I stumbled down the stairs. Hair tousled. Sleep in my eyes. I poured a cup and sat down on the sofa. Music streamed from the surround sound. Bodies danced on the screen. We sat in silence, sipping our coffee, enveloped in the sights and sounds. The light streaming from outside filled the room with gray.

Had I been in control of the remote, I would have changed the channel. I wasn't! And so I determined to enjoy what my love was enjoying. Jay-Z came into view, rapping about rainy days and umbrellas. Too lazy to fight for the remote, I watched, tuning out the sound. Into view came the stunning face and figure of Rhianna. What was she saying? When the sun shines we shine together... My ears perked up.

By the time the video was over, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I grabbed the remote, hit the review button to listen again to the lyrics that so inspired me.

These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, Here for infinity
When the war has took its part
When the world has dealt its cards
If the hand is hard, Together we'll mend your heart
Because...

When the sun shines, We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out to the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

In a few short hours, I'll board a luxurious yacht to celebrate the marriage of my good friends Nikki and Simon. They are starting a journey my parents started 40 years ago yesterday. As I listened to Rhianna belt out those amazing lyrics, I thought about the lessons I've learned from my parents. The umbrella lessons! You don't get through 40 years of marriage that includes 3 kids, numerous moves (some cross country), without going through some rain.

Our culture today doesn't really understand the umbrella aspects of a relationship in my opinion. Sure, we've learned to shine together, but too often when the rains come, we hog the umbrella. Rain has been falling consistently on my own relationship lately! There have been times when I've wanted to say "Get your own umbrella!" And yet I was reminded of two people who are still madly in love after 40 years. Not 40 years of just playing in the bright sun shine but 40 years of sun and rain, of day and night. 40 years of holding hands in the sun and holding the umbrella for each other in the rain. There have been times even when they've danced together in the rain. What was the secret? They made a commitment not just for the good times but for all times!

Standing here holding my own umbrella, I realized that the greatest lesson my parents ever taught me was that the rain only lasts for a brief moment in time! And when the sun shines and you're still standing there together, that's when it shines its brightest!

In celebration of my parent's 40th; in celebration of the commitment I will witness today; in celebration of my own 5 years; I offer the love chapter from the scriptures...

Love never gives up
Love cares more for others than for self
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have
Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head
Doesn't force itself on others
Isn't always "me first"
Doesn't fly off the handle
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others
Doesn't revel when others grovel
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth
Puts up with anything
Trusts God always
Always looks for the best
Never looks back
But keeps going to the end
Love never dies

Beyond Ex-Gay

2007-04-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

(Austin, TX)—Survivors of ex-gay programs can take advantage of two new resources this week. Beyondexgay.com, an online community for those who are healing from ex-gay experiences, will go live today. Simultaneously, online registration will begin for The Survivor’s Conference: Beyond Ex-gay, a face-to-face event scheduled for June 29-July 1, and sponsored by beyondexgay.com and Soulforce.

Recent events have brought national attention to the existence of programs intended to modify same-sex desires. While much of that attention has focused on whether sexual orientation is subject to change, beyondexgay.com and The Survivor’s Conference are the first efforts to move beyond that debate in order to focus on the community of “survivors”—people who feel they have experienced more harm than benefits from ex-gay programs.

“We use the term ‘survivor’ because we want to emphasize the very real psychological trauma that these programs can cause, and also because we want to highlight the strength of the men and women who, in spite of enormous pressures, come to accept themselves as they are,” says Jeff Lutes, a practicing psychotherapist and Executive Director of Soulforce.

The creators of beyondexgay.com, Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke, talked to hundreds of fellow ex-gay survivors. What they heard, again and again, was that ex-gay experiences brought inner turmoil, confusion and shame.

Many survivors acknowledge that some good came of their ex-gay journey. “We grew to understand our sexuality better and in some cases even overcame life-controlling problems,” says Toscano, but he is quick to point out that the harm most survivors experience far outweighs the help they receive. The consensus of the major medical and mental health organizations is that homosexuality is not a disorder and, therefore, does not need to be cured. The American Psychological Association identifies “depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior” among the possible risks associated with ex-gay therapies.

Toscano spent 17 years and over $30,000 on three continents attempting to change or at least contain his unwanted same-sex attractions. He ultimately endured two years at the Love in Action residential ex-gay program in Memphis, TN.

“In the end I was still very gay, but also depressed, isolated and nearly faithless,” he says.

Toscano, now a Christian Quaker, has since created a one-person comedy about his ex-gay experiences and has presented Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House and his other work throughout North America, Europe, West Africa and the Caribbean. In spring 2005, Bakke contacted Toscano after attending one of his performances.

Bakke herself spent more than 4 years trying to change her orientation. She moved to Denver in 1998 to become ex-gay and participated in a program affiliated with Exodus International, the largest network of ex-gay ministries. In 2003 she realized that while she had changed in many areas, her sexual orientation remained the same. Bakke’s story will be featured in the May issue of Glamour, which hit newsstands April 10. Toscano will appear as a guest on the Trya Banks Show on April 12.

Bakke and Toscano continued to dialogue, and last spring they decided it was time to reach out to more ex-gay survivors through the Internet. Together with assistance from their friend, Steve Boese, they form the perfect team: Bakke—a graphic designer, Toscano—a writer, and Boese—a web guru and founder of MyOrgHost.

Beyondexgay.com currently features diverse narratives from ex-gay survivors. It also provides an array of resources, including original articles and art by survivors, as well as links to other sites. Soon survivors will have the option to join the community and create a profile. Through an on-line form, they will document and share their own ex-gay experiences. Their responses will then be added to a database that will track the variety and scope of ex-gay experiences endured by survivors.

"The ex-gay experience is unique in many ways. No one understands it better than those of us who have been through it. Creating a communal space for ex-gay survivors to tell their stories allows us to share what led us into an ex-gay lifestyle and ways we have been able to recover from it,” says Bakke.

Creating a space for survivors to come together and share their stories was also the impetus behind The Survivor’s Conference: Beyond Ex-Gay. The conference, which will take place June 29th through July 1st at the University of California-Irvine, is co-sponsored by the LGBT Resource Center at UC Irvine.

“We chose Irvine because the annual Exodus Freedom Conference is coming to Irvine that week,” says Lutes. “For Soulforce, beyondexgay.com, and the LGBT Resource Center at UC Irvine, it is very important to provide a positive response to the Exodus message that gay men and lesbians are sinful and disordered.”

If you want to stand in peaceful solidarity to lovingly confront the damaging consequences of the ex-gay movement – this conference is for you. If you have ever been through an ex-gay experience or been damaged by the message that God does not love and affirm you – this conference is for you. If you are confused about the Bible and homosexuality, currently in an ex-gay program, or thinking about trying to change who you are – this conference is for you.

Schedule of Events
Friday, June 29, 2007, 7pm - 9pm, Crystal Cove Auditorium (free and open to the public): Doing time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House: How I survived the Ex-gay Movement - a performance by Peterson Toscano, www.homonomo.com

Saturday, June 30, 2007, 9am - 5pm. Registration online is highly recommended. Registrations at the door will be accepted as space allows.

7pm - Crystal Cove Auditorium (free and open to the public) Jason & deMarco in Concert! www.jasonanddemarco.com

Sunday, July 1, 2007 - Optional worship at a local welcoming & affirming church.

Tagging

2007-03-19T14:31:00.000-07:00

My friend Peterson over at A Musing did NOT tag me (not that I'm bitter of course) to come up with five favorite quotes, however, he inspired me and so I give you some that have been especially encouraging to me over the past few months.

No situation, however wretched it seems, has some sort of comfort attending it. ~Goldsmith~

Now let the weeping cease; let no one mourn again. For the love of God will bring you peace. There is no end. ~Sophacles~

For it is one thing to see the land of peace from a wooded ridge...and another to tread the road that leads to it. ~St. Augustine, Confessions, VIII, xxi~

Missing your love with God's so close at hand. It seems somehow a sacrilege...but I think he understands. ~Peter McWilliams~

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed. ~Nicolas de Chamfort~

What about you? Any favorite quotes you wanna share?

j.

Living in the light of honesty

2007-02-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

My friend Peterson Toscano was recently featured on the Montel show, talking a bit about his struggles trying to reconcile his faith with his sexuality. Peterson touched briefly on honesty and being truly honest not only with all around you, but being honest with onesself.

I understand exactly where Peterson is coming from because it wasn't until I started being honest with myself that I started seeing true healing and health come into my own life. Determining to be honest, no matter the cost (which is sometimes quite severe), brings benefits even if they aren't seen in the short term. Hiding behind who we wish we could be; who our friends want us to be; who our church thinks we should be is nothing more than hiding...period and turns us into crippled fragments of what we were intended to be. If we are constantly hiding, then we aren't really living the life that we were created for.

In my own life, it wasn't until I was honest with myself, that I was able to be honest with God, my family and friends. Even though God knows all there is to know about me, in my humanity, I attempted to keep certain things veiled in the hopes that He would overlook them. Walking out of the dark and into the light was blinding...not just for me, but for those around me. But allowing my life to be sanitized by the light of honesty, has allowed me to grow spiritually and emotionally.

Whitney sang that learning to love "yourself" is the greatest love of all. But that truly can't happen until you are honest with yourself. I can't say that walking into the light of truth was all that easy because it wasn't. But when I look at the life I'm blessed with now and look at the life I had as I cowered behind who I hoped I might be, I can say with absolute clarity that the difference is as stark as the difference between black and white.

Thanks Peterson for your friendship and for continuing to allow your life to be lived in the light of honesty! Your testimony of honesty, grace and growth is reverberating around the globe to an ever widening audience that need to hear it. Blessings to you my friend!

Peacemakers

2006-12-28T14:43:00.000-08:00

“Silver Bells, Silver Bells, It’s Christmas time in the City…” “O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant…” “Hark the Herald Angels sing, glory to the newborn king…”

Sounds of the season greeted me as I meandered through Cerritos Town Center. In shop after shop I was invariably wished a “Merry Christmas” as those paid to separate me from my hard-earned dollars rang up my purchases. From the swankiest stores to the little ma-n-pa shops, everyone seemed intent on wishing me the best Christmas ever.

As I drove along the broad, tree-lined avenues that surround my home, I was struck by how many of my neighbors were in the Christmas spirit. Tens of thousands of dollars had been spent on lighting and decorations. Nativity scenes dotted various lawns. “Merry Christmas” screamed at me from so many of my neighbor’s lawns and in so many shapes, sizes, varieties and colors (not to mention the many different types of lighting used) that it was hard not to get a little worked up.

For those who know me best, you know that I’m not a big fan of Christmas with all its crass commercialism. For the past several years the lead up to Christmas has been made especially tiresome because of the need of certain of these self-proclaimed Christmas guardians to claim that a war on Christmas and Christians has been declared. Likening themselves to the martyrs of ancient days, these self-proclaimed guardians of “tradition” have bullied even the news-media to accept this far-fetched notion that the Christ of Christmas is being done away with.

Call me a skeptic, but I greeted the news of this little “war” with full salt-shaker in hand, and with good reason. The beautiful carols of my childhood still ring out. The Salvation Army bell ringers still greet me in front of nearly every store. Wishes for a Merry Christmas are still arriving, sent from stranger and friend alike. What war?

Ah, but to listen to Bill O’Reilly, of Entertainment Tonight fame (yes…he was originally a purveyor of celebrity and entertainment gossip), tell it, or to hear Jerry Falwell or Jim Dobson (of “I see gay people!” infamy), one would think that Christ and Christmas were in their last throes. Über-Conservative sexpot Ann Coulter was all over the airwaves in the lead-up to the Holidays talking about the exclusion of Christians from the fabric of America. Did I miss something?

This Holiday Season, as I have spent time reflecting on what Christmas is all about (and for those confused, it ain’t about the presents or the trees or the lights or the parties), I have begun to really pay attention to Jesus’ teachings from what we know of as the Sermon on the Mount. “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God” - Matt 5:1 (NIV). As I have thought more and more about this teaching, another scripture has begun running around through my mind; II Peter 2:1 (The Message) says: “But there were also lying prophets among the people then, just as there will be lying religious teachers among you. They'll smuggle in destructive divisions, pitting you against each other - biting the hand of the One who gave them a chance to have their lives back!”

Those that broker in war cannot truthfully be called peacemakers. These purveyors of war have skillfully smuggled “in destructive divisions pitting” us against each other. Why? Could it be because they worship another god? Has the allure of money, power and prestige become more important than humbly following in the path that Christ blazed?

Galatians 5:17 (KJV) says that we have been “called unto liberty” but that we aren’t to use “liberty as an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.” Being a Christian, or follower of Christ, carries a responsibility to serve others. Apparently ministry after ministry and pundit after pundit are more interested in serving themselves and their bank accounts…all in the name of Christ.

This week we lost a great American President…Gerald R. Ford. In today’s society, men like him are rare – both in politics and in church leadership. Men who are willing to cross the ideological aisle and work with those with whom they may fundamentally disagree. And yet, perhaps all is not lost. I listened to Pastor Rick Warren this past week talk about the level of civility and discourse in our country and how it has seemingly disappeared. He then said that it doesn’t have to be this way and in fact is modeling it in his own life.

During this lead-up to a brand new year, I’m working hard at taking Jesus’ words to heart…“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God!” Real happiness in the New Year won’t come from building my empire…it will come by being a peacemaker and by serving others.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

From the sunny beaches of Southern California, we would like to wish you and yours a holiday season filled with love, joy and peace surrounded by those you love. May this season, with all it's activities, be a time for you to enjoy what really matters - family and friends coming together to celebrate the gift of life!

Merry Christmas from the Bullock-Washington household!

Let Your Voice Be Heard!

2006-11-07T13:51:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a family that believed that the two best topics around the dinner table were God and Politics! From a young age, we were able to discuss our questions about God, the politics of the day and the intertwining of the two. As my siblings and I grew older, the questions about God evolved and as they did, so did our view of politics and the place of religion in politics. Today, my siblings and I are very individual in our religious and political beliefs. And we are all very vocal.

This morning I left my house at 6:30a and made my way to the Polling Place assigned to me by the Los Angeles County Clerk. I was surprised, pleasantly, when I got there and found the line was long! I waited patiently and eventually I stuck my card in (none of those vote robbing electronic Diebold systems for us), inked my choices and walked out proudly displaying my "I Voted!" sticker.

November 7 is the day for American's to make our voice heard! Today is the day I let my voice be heard! Like every election since I can remember, I'm scanning every exit poll I can get my hands on to try to gain a feeling on the pulse of my fellow voters. Tomorrow I believe we will wake up and began to shake off a bit of the darkness that has permeated our political landscape. My friend Scott has even made a grand prediction. Perhaps he's on to something.

They say you should never talk about politics or religion around the dinner table. Whoever "they" are should probably take a lesson from my family - politically and religiously diverse and vocal as heck about the issues and questions we hold dear, we also believe in listening to the other voices however different they may be.

This year, I support our President when he says "Let your voice be heard!" Of course, I think that's about the only area of support he's gonna get from me.

No matter what the outcome of the election this year, I ask to you join me in remembering that no matter our political affiliation or our deeply held beliefs, we are ALL united by the bond that is our citizenship in this great country...America!

j.

"...giving alcohol a bad name..."

2006-10-11T15:40:00.000-07:00

You've got to love Wanda Sykes! She cuts through the typical BS and gets right down to "brass-tacks" (as my Southern grandmother was want to say). Like Wanda, I'm really tired of people blaming their bad behavior on alcohol or abuse or whatever is "in" at the moment. Unfortunately, all too often when one of the "moralistic" crew screws up (ala Mel Gibson, soon to be former OH Rep Ney or Mark Foley), it seems that the first inclination is to find something or someone to blame. And lately it's been alcohol. Like Wanda, I've been pretty drunk on occassion and guess what...I haven't tried to blame the world's problems on Jews, accept bribes in exchange for doling out political favors or lure uncomfortable teens into something sacred that should be reserved for consenting adults!

People wonder why "God's Own Party" seems to get punished harder by scandals that without fail touch both parties. Could it be that maybe, just maybe, the GOP, who has loudly proclaimed itself to be the party of morals and moral values, has shown complete failure when it comes to keeping it's own house clean. Personal observation has taught me probably what it's taught you, that those who bleat the loudest about moral issues are usually the ones with the biggest problem. The funny thing is that these people preach like they were at an old-fashioned arbor camp meeting from back in the day, loudly and longly proclaiming that those without a moral compass take the easy way out by finding scape goats (i.e. assigning blame). But as soon as you catch one of these moralistic, bombastadeers with their pants down, or their hand in the cookie jar, they conveniently find something or someone to blame their behavior on. Practicing what they preach isn't really a main-stay from what I see of the zealots on the extreme right.

I was thinking about this the other day, particularly in reference to some who believe that being gay can be blamed on past abuse. They bang the drum that says the reason they had a "gay phase" was because they were abused when they were underage. They then proceed to blame their promiscuous, drug-addled experience on said abuse. I saw someone recently who said that their entire "gay phase" (and did they ever have a doosey one of) could be blamed on that fact that at 13 they messed around with a 16 year old. It would be laughable if it weren't so sad.

It all comes back down to the fact that people, no matter what label they want to use, don't like to accept responsibility. It's so much easier to point fingers than it is to look at the hard reality that maybe, just maybe, we screwed the pooch all by ourselves. That no one held a gun to our head and forced us. That it wasn't that older teen who diddle us that forced us into a life of promiscuity. That it wasn't the fact that we have a drinking problem that caused us to rail against the Jews, hand out political favors like they were candy, or chase after under-age boys. NOPE! Looking at the mess we've made honestly is hard! I know...I've had to do it!

It's time to quit the blame game!! Quit blaming the alcohol or abuse or whatever and start pointing the finger directly at the source of the problem...YOU!!! It seems that people conveniently forget is that alcohol, or any other drug, only serves as a highlighter. Blaming is easy and convenient and takes the focus off of where true responsibility lies! Plus, as long as you find someone else to blame, you'll never really find help! The moralistic crew needs to quit blaming everyone else for their screw-ups! They need to quit speaking out of both sides of their mouth like Hastert recently when he said the "buck stops here" then proceeded to try to pin the blame for his shortcombings on his political opponents!

You know, they really should write a manual for the high and mighty moralistic crew. The first rule should be...if you are going to screw up and make a jackass out of yourself then DON'T blame alcohol!! It gives alcohol a bad name!!

j.

Parenting Challenges!

2006-08-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

It is really easy, in my opinion, to get caught up in the rantings of unhinged and unbalanced people. With just a few clicks of the mouse, I can easily become engrossed in the writings of those who believe that "showing their ass" isn't a bad thing. A few Sundays ago, Ty and I were in the car coming back from a "counselling" session (and I use that term ever so lightly) when we managed to get into a fight about something that was NOT said (but probably should have been) during said session. When I asked why it wasn't said, Ty said "why would I show my ass to___________?!" What Ty really meant was "why would I say something that shows what an asshole I can be?!" There are a lot of people in this world, and in the blogosphere who like to "show their ass"! A lot of them are part of the Americanized version of the Christian Taliban that would like to re-shape America into another Afghanistan (not that they would admit it). Some are like the Nazi's who believed that gassing people who were different to be a good thing.

It should be noted that the Religious Ultra-Right does not have a monopoly on showing their ass though! I think they only difference is, they like to evoke God as a scare tactic and to add "weight" to their arguments. Of course using God can be a bit tricky when you are using it against people who don't believe in God. That's when respect and all those other virtues (which seem so lacking in today's discourse) come into play.

As parents, how do you deal with this onslaught of bigotry and hatred, often perpetrated in the name of God? I don't have a clue! Especially since so much of me is tied so intrinsically to the very theology that has given rise to some of the most nutty among us. Fight it? How? And how do you fight against something that uses the same base as you do? It's confusing isn't it?

Next week, Paris starts the Third Grade. On the 16th, he will turn 8 years old! It's so crazy to me that this little man who came into my life when he was 3, has been in my life for more than half his life. I love the idea that I've been able to have an influence in the type of person he will eventually grow up to be. But some problems showed themselves quite real! Last year, more for our benefit, we got Paris a TV for his bedroom and then allowed him to come home, grab a plate and eat dinner in his room, by himself, in front of the telly. This past week, I opened the letter for his standardized tests and realized that, while he shows real promises in math (tested above the state average), in reading he was far below the average. We also had serious problems last year with "doing what he's told, when he's told!"

Over the summer, I've mulled over what the causes of some of our Second Grade problems were and the best way to resolve them. I even involved "experts" in my thoughts. And uniformly, it became clear to me that lack of involvement, at home, has a direct effect on acting out at school. I can't speak for Ty, but for me, spending too much time "showing my ass" to people who don't really matter, takes away from my responsibility of guiding my child (even if he is a step-child) into adulthood as a healthy, whole person. I finally decided that if we want Paris' Third Grade year to be better than last, then it will require a change on our part.

Last night I sat down with Ty and made a proposal. Ty threw up the usual impediments ("Paris bedtime should be 8:00p!" My response "Paris goes to bed at 8:00p that is true, but is allowed to watch TV until 10:00p or later!"). Luckily I had already anticipated his arguments and had rebuttals ready. Finally he looked at me and said, "let's give it a go!" YAY!!! One of the changes is that we will eat dinner at the table. Of course when I mentioned this, I said "I know you won't join us, but that's my plan." FYI - Ty loves to eat dinner sitting on the sofa...you guessed it...watching TV. And yet he said, "We'll eat dinner together...around the table!" YAY!!

This is going to require some real work on my part! But I'm willing! More than anything, I don't want my kid to grow up to think that "showing my ass" while ignoring the ones closest to me, is a trait that is desirable. I want him to realize that he's special and that he can be anything he sets his mind to! AND that we will love him and support him...NO MATTER! As such, here's the evening schedule. As you can see, it's going to require a good amount of time on my part...but I'm thinking that's a good thing! Perhaps it will help focus me on what's really important as well!

7:00p Dinner
7:30p Help clean-up from Dinner
7:45p Review Homework
8:00p Walk Shiba
8:20p Reading
8:45p Bath/Shower
9:00p Bed Time
10:00p TV Off/Lights Out

I'm hoping this year to show my ass a lot less and show true love as is evidenced by my involvment, a whole lot more!

j.

Quitting

2006-06-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. - Galations 6:9 (the Message)

In a world where everything seems transitory, it is easy I think to give up when things get a little rocky. Perhaps that's why we see over half of marriages end in divorce or why we see relationships come and go on a whim. Not that dissolving a union is particularly easy, because there are a lot of emotions wrapped up in the process, but it is definitely easier to just walk away than it is to put in the enormous amount of work required to make something work.

I'm going through one of those rocky places in my relationship. I could lay out all the reasons for it and pin all the blame on the other side because that would be the easy way out. There are those who might feel that this would be the perfect time to walk away because the other party in this little relationship of mine is not acting particularly worthy of my love and devotion. Certainly it is difficult not to be in agreement with them, particularly when there is behavior that feeds my own insecurities and weaknesses.

On the other hand, I've been given an example that most people in our society don't have. That is the example of my parents, who for nearly 38 years have managed to keep a healthy, strong relationship in tact. When you see them together they make it look so simple. Best friends they are. And yet the smiles, laughter and true friendship one witnesses when they are around them don't tell the whole story. There was the incredible struggle during the first year of their marriage that nearly killed the whole deal. And the time when my mother's nerves literally sent her into a shell, leaving my dad to cope with an incredibly difficult travel schedule coupled with two small kids. Several years ago it really hit home how much they've had to work to maintain what they've got. As we sat around a table one morning, mom very honestly shared with me how she had told my dad that unless he made some changes she wouldn't be able to stay. It shook him up enough to be able to admit that he had become withdrawn and needed a reminder that my mom was his best friend. This month they will celebrate 38 years of marriage and they still are each other's best friends.

Most people today don't have such an amazing example of working together, through the hard stuff, that I do. Most people have in their history fine examples of walking away when the going gets tough. The more I've thought about this, the more I realize that if you love someone and believe in what you've got, then you have to fight for it. Sometimes even when you are the only one fighting. It doesn't mean living defeated and beaten down either. Loving oneself is paramount to any relationship and I'm learning that the more care and attention I give to myself, the more care and attention I can give to those I love most.

As I kissed my other half good night last evening, Galations 6:9 flashed into my head. I can't allow myself to get tired because at the "right time" there will be something good to show for it. I can't guarantee that statement, but I also know that I can't allow myself to think defeatist...to be all dramatic and say "woe is me!" I've got to remember that all things work together for good. Sometimes it's hard to see that when you are in the middle of it and so it's good to be reminded that though there are struggles and extremely difficult hurdles to be crossed, they are part of life. And if I really believe that there will be a payoff, then I can't allow myself to quit just yet.

Sometimes life throws us curves and how we deal with those curves shapes who we become. I've had moments in my past where I took the easy way out. It's made me lazy in my thinking. But if something is worth having, then it is worth fighting for and right now, I've made a decision not to get tired...because at the right time I'll get mine!

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

My mother is an amazing woman who has dedicated her life to her God, her husband, her children and her grandchildren. She has sucessfully balanced her roles as a minister, conference speaker, counselor, office manager, full-time wife and mother and has done it all with a sense of style and grace...and always with a smile on her face and laughter in her voice (and not to bad looking for 60). Constantly striving for a deeper relationship with God, she is an avid studier of the scriptures. When we get together, she reminds us often to "make happy memories!" No matter the stages of my life, and I've had a few that qualify as doozies, I've never doubted her love. Even when we've butted heads, she has been quick to put her arms around me and tell me how much she loves me, her "favorite oldest son." Some would say I'm lucky to have a mother like the one I've been blessed with...and I won't argue with them.

Happy Mother's Day...I love you!

j.

Magical Rose Gardens

2006-05-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

Dale Carnegie once said that "all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon -- instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside of our windows today." I've been thinking a lot about that statement over the past few days and it kind of rings true for me. Being one of those dreamer types, I tend to believe in those "pie-in-the-sky" kind of things - lots of money, perfect family, perfect car, perfect house, perfect friends, big mansion in the afterlife where streets are paved with gold. Since none of those things exist right now in my life, it's easy to think that spend an inordinate amount of time in that "better" place.

A lot of energy goes into thinking about the afterlife. Perhaps that is because of the imperfections that are all around us or because we don't have the perfect life now, whatever the reason, we tend to wish for the "end-game" when all our "enemies" will be blown to smithereans and we'll get a spectacular mansion just down the street from god or at the very least a saint (mother tereasa would be nice). I can hear someone saying that is fatalistic thinking and I would agree. And yet, a little over 30 percent of the world engages in some form of this type of "fatalistic" thinking. When things get tough, we start to rely more heavily on our faith in a being that floats nebulously above our atmosphere who will one day right all the wrongs that exist in our little world. In the meantime, he/she is kept awfully busy chatting with a rather dim-witted man who is the current communication tool (I think tool is the operative word). This thinking has us believing in a rosy scenario in the "by-and-by" thereby allowing us to scrape by in our little hum-drum reality like we've been numbed by an overdose of Prozac.

Are we missing something in the here-and-now because we are too busy dreaming about our "mansion over the hilltop"? I'm fairly certain that the "pie-in-the-sky" dreams serve a purpose. I'm also fairly certain that living in a Prozac wonderland leaves us out of the enjoyment business today. We deny ourselves a real life today so we can enjoy a "magical rose garden" upon our death. I wonder how healthy this obsession is. Is living in fantasy land making us happier, healthier people? And doesn't it sound just a little bit like denial?

Please understand that I'm not suggesting that our reality is it...that there is no after-life. But I'm beginning to feel that to constantly live in that world deprives me of the enjoyment of the "roses that are blooming" right outside my window.

The other day a random thought occured to me - Live your best life now! But how can that be accomplished if all I can see is something that is just out of reach? If this world is the ultimate "master-planned community" and we are part of that master-plan, then doesn't it stand to reason that we are to enjoy our time here? Don't you think that the creator must be sad when he sees so many of his creation destroying our world or worse, choosing to ignore all the beauty around them because they are too caught up in their dreams of what life will be like when god sends the bad people to suffer and the good ones (aka the dreamers) get to live in that "magical rose garden just over the horizon"?

Some say that they are "heaven-minded" but I'm beginning to think it's just a coping mechanism because they can't, or won't, live in their current reality. As for me, I've made a determination to start looking for the roses that "are blooming outside" my window. It doesn't mean I'm going to forget all about that "magical rose garden over the horizon" because I'm still going to dream about it. Dreaming has it's place and purpose. But living in dream-land all the time has a tendancy to make reality look awfully drab.

Jesus Led Me All The Way

2006-04-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

Jesus led me all the way
Led me step by step each day
I will tell the Saints and Angels
As I lay my burdens down
Jesus led me all the way

My earliest memories of MamMa Bullock have revolved around music. By the time I came along in 1969, she and my grandfather were well established evangelists, traveling the United States preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. As a young child, I had the priviledge of traveling with them as they held revivals for various churches. MamMa always sat in the backseat of the car as we traveled, reading biographies of the great Christian leaders who so notably left their mark. Often, MamMa would join her soft soprano with my grandfather's booming voice as they would sing some of the old standards.

Getting to stay with MamMa and Pappa was always a treat. Some of my amazing memories involve MamMa following me around the kitchen as I would carry a glass of milk, gently reminding me to "becareful and don't spill it." Or fixing a boo boo that little boys in Texas are want to get. But I think that it's her singing that I remember the most. Always, always with a song on her lips; reminding anyone in earshot that she had a friend in Jesus and that He was watching over her every move.

She was born on April 27, 1926 at the Nan Travis Hospital in the little East Texas town of Jacksonville; the second of five children born to the Spears family of the one stop sign town of Alto. After graduating from highschool, she went on to business school and then married my grandfather (who lived just across the street from her growing up). She gave birth to three amazing children. But probably the most important day of her life was the day she had an encounter with Jesus Christ. That encounter changed the course of her life forever. Soon after that conversion, my grandfather accepted Christ and they began a journey together to share the Good News that Jesus Christ came to seek and to save the lost.

Over these past 80 years, she has had to endure great tragedy such as loosing my grandfather when he was only 60 years old. That didn't stop her from her mission though. I rather think it made her more determined to carry on the mission that she and my grandfather had started. She became Dean of Students for her denomination's Bible College, literally affecting the lives of an untold number of young kids training to go out and spread this message that she believed in so passionately. In fact, it wasn't until shortly after her 79th birthday that she finally retired from that position.

Retirement has not put her off that mission though. While she now enjoys the warm ocean breezes off the Gulf Coast of Florida, she's still sharing her heart with the world around her. And she still has a song on her lips. A song of praise to Jesus Christ for leading her over every mountain peak and every valley floor. When I look around at the legacy that is her's, I see children who are active in the ministry that she and my grandfather started. Both of her sons are pastors with ever-growing ministries. Her daughter is a pastor's wife, pattering her own ministry after that of MamMa.

All MamMa's neighbors have come to know and love her. On any given Sunday, it's a safe bet that she's giving rides to some of them to church. She can be heard leading the intercessory prayer group at church; continuing to beseech God for revival in her life, her families lives, her church, her community and her world. In a conversation she and I had recently, she told me of a little book that she had been reading and how God was showing her that there was still pruning to be done in her life. It's always humbling to see one of the saints modeling the thought that they still have a lot of growing left to do.

I don't know how many more years I will have to share with this most amazing lady. A lady who continues to be a leader and a servant. A lady who has shared her passion for Jesus with more people than I will probably ever know. What I do know is that as long as she walks this earth she will be singing the praises of the One who she remains completely indebted to.

I'm in awe of the heritage I have! I'm in awe of this true saint of God who has truly lived out the message of the cross that Jesus Christ is the answer for the world today. As I've been thinking a bit about her life and legacy, I keep hearing that soft southern accented voice gently singing...

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
For His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me.

As the words of that song fade, I'm struck by the realization that He is still leading her, "step by step each day." She is truly living out the scripture that says, "in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Ask her...she'll be more than happy to tell you all about how He has led and how He continues to lead!

Happy 80th birthday MamMa!

I love you!

Carry Each Other

2006-02-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

This past Wednesday was one of Hollywood's biggest nights. Just about everywhere one looked, the stars were out in abundance. The reason was the 48th Annual Grammy Awards, broadcast live from the Staples Center here in Los Angeles. I waited with baited breath for my invitation and, failing to get that, plopped myself down in front of my 46 inch widescreen to watch the festivities in high definition.

This was a night for our music stars to shine their brightest and did they ever; showing up in their best outfits giving tribute to the biggest name designers and jewelers. Unlike for some, this was not my primary reason to watch and, although they looked beautiful, I was only interested in the music. Madonna kicked the show off with an impressive display of why she remains one of the musical icons of our generation. Other artists performed their hits with abandon and, sprinkled throughout the performances a host of awards were given to the creme de la creme.

At one point in the evening, U2 came out to perform one of their hits and as always, nailed the performance. I've enjoyed U2 over the years and that enjoyment has grown into admiration as I've learned more about Bono and the crusade he has led to get those of us who are blessed with so much to help out those who have so little. In fact, I had just read his speech to President Bush and Washington Law Makers at the National Prayer Breakfast where he exhorted the President and Congress of this most blessed of nations to do more for those who are considered the "least."

As Bono and U2 wrapped up their high energy performance, they segued into their hit One. I perked up. I got even more excited as Mary J. Blige came out and added her soulful voice, turning the number into a true gospel performance. As Bono and Mary J. Blige sang "One Love ~ One Blood ~ One Life ~ You got to do what you should ~ One Life ~ With each other ~ Sisters ~ Brothers ~ One Life ~ But we aren't the same ~ We get to carry each other ~ Carry each other ~ One" I began to hear the words of Galatians 6:2 in the scriptures. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens and so complete Christ's law.

In a world that has become increasingly divided along religious, political and socio-economic lines, the words recorded in the scriptures become a startling wake-up up call. Our differences don't give us the excuse to refuse to help out our fellow man. It seems in our world it becomes increasingly easy to marginalize those who disagree with us. By marginalizing them, we in essence excuse ourselves from helping them in their moments of need. We've become very judgmental in our approach to dealing with those less fortunate than ourselves, blaming poor decision making, or any number of other factors as the reason for their current misfortune...as if that excuses us from our duty.

If Galatians is really in effect, then for those of us who are believers, our duty to the law of Christ boils down to one thing: bearing one another's burdens. Recently I read the posting of someone who confessed how he had recently been convicted of a lack of compassion for those who had made poor choices and were reaping the results of those choices. He made the comment, that as a former law enforcement officer, he had really got in the mindset that these people got what they deserved. And yet, it struck him one day that if he got what he deserved from our Maker, he too would be suffering. As I read that, I wondered if perhaps those of us who are believers have gotten to a point where we are more willing to write people off because of poor decisions, than to we are to helping restore them to wholeness.

If we are to fulfill the law of Christ, then we have to realize, as Bono and Mary J. Blige sang, that we've got to carry each other. The fulfillment of the law of Christ revolves around the message that we are inter-dependent. We need one another. Not to sit in judgment! But to carry each other when the chips are down. To bear the burdens of our fellow man. It shouldn't matter whether they have a different religious belief! It shouldn't matter that they are on a different level socio-economically! It shouldn't matter that they might have made choices we would not have! The fulfillment of Christ's law doesn't have us sitting on a jury or as a judge, rather it has us joining hands, despite our differences, and remembering that we are one and that we must carry each other.

Where's The Life-Changing Message?

2006-02-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

It all seemed too perfect in the beginning. My cousin and her husband, along with my sister, brother in law and their kids, met up with my family and some friends for a little hiking. The reviews for Millard Canyon and Dawn Mine created no small buzz among our little group with their depictions of bubbling streams, breathtaking vistas surrounded by beautiful flora and fauna and topped off by the intrigue of possibly exploring an old shut-down gold mine straight out of California Gold Rush Days. Yes, the day was starting out just perfect.

Almost right away, a small crack showed itself in the perfect foundation of our day when two of our group, in training to run the Saint Louis Marathon, decided to run 6 miles up the fire road and then meet us back at the cars. I wondered at the time if perhaps we had a failure to communicate and should all stay together, but honestly, I was so excited about the hike that the thought slipped in and then slipped right out. As we started down Sunset Trail, the vistas of the Canyon were breathtaking, just like the reviews said. Yep, it was going to be a great day!

I was a little worried when it dawned on me that we had hiked in a good ways and my sister, brother-in-law and two nephews were still with us. As crazy as it sounds though, the trails and rocks and streams deceptively drew you further and further into the canyon until finally, we were much farther in than we imagined. Jumping over massive boulders, keeping watch out for poison ivy…heck, keeping watch out for each other created a sense of bonding that made time come to a complete stop. So close to the hustle and bustle that Los Angeles is, and yet so far away. The only sounds were those of the birds chirping, the water cascading down the rocks and the sound of leaves rustling and sticks snapping as we reveled in the beauty.

I will tell on myself a little bit here: I didn’t pack a lunch and while we did bring a back-pack and water, we left all that extra weight in the car. And so, long about 1:30p, when we stopped for a little breather, I began to wish that I had planned a little bit better. Thankfully, Daniele’s mom had lovingly wrapped tuna sandwich halves individually and as luck would have it, was quite willing to share in their bounty. And let’s be honest…hiking in the fresh air brings on the appetite.

By several hours into the hike, the trail was nearly impossible to find and the rocks and boulders we were climbing over were HUGE. I started to get a little bit nervous when I looked at my sister’s face. Her face told me that they had bitten off more than they had intended to chew and now were faced with the reality of just getting through…with two boys who by now were getting a little tired from all the walking and hiking and had found the great out-of-doors to have lost a bit of it’s luster.

In a stroke of excellent luck, we stumbled across a guy who apparently lived in the Canyon (either that or explored it every other day). He pointed us to the exact path that would take us up the side of the canyon wall to the fire road…some 1,600 feet above us. He also told us that it would be easier to go back the way we came (a mere 3.6 miles). Being the experienced hikers that we are, we chose to go up the side of the canyon wall. In front of me, my youngest nephew, Canon, decided he had had enough and began to wail. He wailed and I walked behind him making faces (probably had more to do with the wailing than his tired feet). Making faces at a two year old can be exhausting, especially when attempting to keep my balance on a narrow dirt trail cut into the side of a canyon wall. As such, quite a ways up the canyon wall, I took a moment from my face-making duties to view the most excellent scenery spread far, far, far, far, far…damn that’s a long way down…oh crap I’m afraid of heights…slowly sitting, just breathing, in and out, in and out…

Whewwww…Eventually I did pull through. Daniele and her mom sandwiched me and we continued on until we finally, finally reached the fire road and looked back down in total shock and awe at how far we had climbed on that most narrow of loose rock and dirt trails (let’s be honest…sometimes you had to turn sideways to avoid falling into the unforgiving beauty below). It was such reliefs to hit the fire road on the ridge and to start the short (honest) 1.6 or 2.4 mile (we really don’t know for sure) walk back to the cars (thankfully all down hill). In the meantime, we did manage to get a hold of the two in our group who had splintered off to run. Being from Kansas City (out for a visit), I’m sure it must have been a bit horrifying to be left on the side of a canyon, with no car keys for hours on end wondering where the hell we were (and no food by the way, or water, during the hottest part of the day…oops…for people who plan well, we somehow let the ball drop on this one).

Usually, by now, I would have managed to weave a good faith building, better-life having analogy…but frankly, I’m still worn out from all that fresh air. Instead, I’m just going to wrap this up by telling you that we got back to the car hours after our initial depart time of 11:30a having given everyone a hasty “love you, mean it, bye” hug and peck on the cheek. We hopped into our respective cars and got the heck out of dodge. As for the gold mine (and the analogy on how to live a better life because I climbed some steep ass canyon wall while nearly wetting myself)…well, you’ll have to wait until next time. And yes, there will be a next time, at least for me, simply because we got really close…but not close enough. And while the sounds of civilization (i.e. traffic from the 210) were some of the most welcoming sounds I had heard in a long time…I feel the need to head back down sometime in the near future because there’s “gold in them thar hills y’all”!

Mad props to Daniele for being the organizing genius she is, her parents for their guidance, walking sticks and for sharing their vittles, Susie and Aaron (all the way from KC), Sherilyn, Allan, Ty and of course, the toughest of us all…Paris (7), Gordon (4) and Canon (2).

j.

Reflections on Sight

2006-01-09T15:49:00.000-08:00

“How privileged you are to see what you have seen” – Luke 10:23

This weekend, I was blessed to be able to watch An Evening of Stars, Tribute to Stevie Wonder, a benefit put on by the United Negro College Fund. As I watched Fantasia, India Arie, Fred Hammond and other’s perform compilations of Stevie’s work and their own, I sat in awe of this amazing man who has used the eyes of God to paint some of the most amazingly vivid canvases known to man today.

During the show, a woman came on and told the story of her mother who, as a single woman, pursued her Master’s degree while raising seven children all of whom went to college. She valued education and she instilled in her children this belief that they too could be anything they wanted to be and that education was the way for it to happen. Each one of those seven children has gone on to great success, but throughout their lives they’ve always clung to an old saying their mother taught them about what to do when life threw them curves and left them knocked down, bruised and battered (sound familiar?).

If you can open your eyes
Then you can look up

If you can look up
Then you can get up

If you can get up
Then you can move on

We are told this in this life we will have trouble but that we should not be afraid because Christ has already over come the world. Too often, we get into messes in our lives and we throw our hands up, scream and cry and believe the world to be over…at least the little world we’ve managed to glue together (I particularly am fond of Elmer’s Glue). We refuse to listen to any encouraging word; rather we want to wallow in misery. Heck, even when Jesus Christ hung on the Cross, those who chronicled His life, record Him as asking His Father God why He had turned His back on Him. The KJV actually uses the word “forsaken” which seems to imply a sort of desperation.

There are so many people who life has dealt a crappy hand. Some people are born with physical challenges. Others just seem to constantly be standing under the drain spout of life…getting deluged and left wet and bedraggled. There have been times in my own life where I have wished that I could just die. Life as I knew it sucked. Why go on?

As I thought about my life and how crappy things got for me, I remembered the story of this kid that got a nice inheritance from his dad. As soon as his dad forked over his part of the money, he took the heck off! He was grown up…didn’t need dad…didn’t need anyone! He moved into a tight-ass apartment in the City and threw some killer parties. He had a ton of friends who helped him spend, spend, spend and party, party, party! However, as often happens when you are partying, you loose track of your money and so as he sat with his accountant he was hit with the awful fact that he had spent everything. He started selling off his things until finally he ended up with nothing but a nasty drug habit living on the streets, in the gutter basically, fighting the stray dogs that roamed the streets for scraps of food.

One morning, as he pulled himself together out of the shadows in that back alley, he had a moment of clarity, when he remembered that he had eyes. In his mind, he saw his dad’s place and he realized that even his dad’s workers lived better than he was living. He opened his eyes and looked up and there was his dad, holding out his hand. His dad, as recorded in the scriptures, saw him coming from a long way away and ran towards him. Then he threw him a party. Ok, I know that all of our messes don’t come to tidy little resolutions like this one, but, it’s important to remember to look up once in a while, especially when we are at the bottom.

There will be times in our lives, whether by choices we’ve made, or just because life plays cruel little tricks on us, where we will find ourselves at the bottom of the barrel. How we face these rough times, will determine how successful we will be. Do I stay down in the cold damp ditch, wrapped up in the fetal position, tightly closing my eyes…shielding me from the awful world around me or, do I remember that it is a privilege to see? Lately I keep coming back to the conclusion that when I use the eyes I’ve been given, whether my spirit eyes or my physical eyes, I will never be too lost because if I can see something, then I can reach it! Sometimes all it takes is remembering to open our eyes!

j.

Happy Holidays!

2005-12-22T13:03:00.000-08:00

Remembering

2005-11-21T17:24:00.000-08:00

"Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good? Will he never smile again? Is his love worn threadbare? Has God forgotten his manners? Has he angrily stalked off and left us? 'Just my luck,' I said, 'The High God goes out of business just the moment I need him.'" Psalm 77 (somewhere in the middle)

"Don't you know what's next, can you see what's coming, all you barefaced liars? Pointed arrows and burning coals will be your reward." Psalm 120 (somewhere towards the beginning)

"I look up to the mountains, does my strength come from the mountains? No my strength comes from God who made heaven and earth and mountains. He won't let you stumble; your Guardian God won't fall asleep. Not on your life! Your guardian will never doze or sleep. God's your guardian, right at your side to protect you -- sheilding you from sunstroke, sheltering you from moonstroke. God guards you from every evil, he guards your very life. He guards you when you leave and when you return, he guards you now, he guards you always." Psalm 121 (all of it)

With such an emphasis today on prayer for all the victims of this week's tragedy I decided to read through some of the Psalms that I learned when I was a kid. Funny how some of them stuck out today as I read them. Psalm 77 really spoke to me of the depression and saddeness I feel when I think about all this stuff. Where are you God? Why did you allow this to happen to so many innocent people? I refuse to believe it is based on what those morons Falwell and Robertson said (that you are pissed at America for forgetting about you and allowing "secularism" into our society). In fact I fired off an e-mail tonight to Falwell telling him exactly how I felt about how much his comments went toward making the wounds deeper instead of healing them. Crazy that someone who considers himself to be a man of God could spew so much crap. But of course he does it to help bring in more money to his "ministry" since he funds it off of the backs of poor people who view God as that angry guy standing over the balconey of heaven waiting to nail us in the head with a brick every time we don't do what the preacher on TV says.

The second reading really speaks to my anger at the people who perpetrated this terror on my country. They can't know what's next for them...but they better be frightened because we are going to blow their asses so far out of the water. I guess, that Psalmist says it a little bit nicer (all though how nice is it to call someone a barefaced liar), but still the reward won't be pretty and I hope it is as one staffer I heard say...way out of proportion to what has been done to us.

Psalm 121 was always one of my favorite Psalms as a kid. I remember dad basing a sermon on it. He and his Partner were on a plane that nearly crashed in the middle of a storm. Where do you look during times of trouble and saddness? I've spent so much of my life right on the edge of trouble, but reading this Psalm always made me feel just a little bit safer. I think had I been on one of the planes, winging my way toward what they must have known would be certain death, I would have quoted this Psalm. Probably even out loud. God's always guarding us, when we leave and when we return. Now and always! Does that mean nothing bad will ever happen? I don't think so. Look at all those people on those flights. It would bring up the question, "how come God wasn't guarding them?" I can't really answer that, except to say that I won't always understand what goes on in this world. Sometimes evil wins a battle...but that doesn't mean evil is going to win the war.

I lit a candle outside tonight to show my solidarity with the victims. It lasted a couple of minutes then blew out. I thought that was about appropriate for what happened in our world this week. So I brought the candle in and lit another one and am writing by candle light tonight. I decided against Tiesto tonight. Tonight I put in Sandra Collins (Transport 3), the song of the night is by Shane, C'Est Musique [Armin Van Bouren Remix] -- simply awe inspiring. I often have to be in the right mood for her but I was thinking about New Years and getting to hang with her for a while before her set at TogetherAsOne. It just seemed fitting to listen to her. Her set that night was so inspiring.

Tomorrow is a new day. Soon this horrific week will be over and I for one will be glad of it. I had a terrible thought today. My dad leaves on Sunday for another trip. And all I could think of for a while was that his plane would crash. I even played in my head something like a phone call from him knowing he was going to die. How morbid. I'm tired of being morbid. It is time to rejoin life...I am alive...I think I'm going to start acting like it.

I'm not going out tonight. I am going to sleep...to dream in silence waiting for the dawn of a new day! I think that is much like where the country is at right now...sitting in dark silence as we wait for a new day!

j.
________________________________

Written on September 14, 2001 - National Day of Prayer and Rememberance for those who died on September 11, 2001.

A Light Shined In The Darkness!

2005-10-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

Rosa Parks was a mite of a woman who cast a mighty shadow!

by Wayne Greenhaw

Quiet, unassuming, shy, she appeared to be the antithesis of the symbol of a worldwide movement. Yet her simple action and strong determination embodied the power of the civil rights movement that was born after she refused to give up her seat on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus on December 1, 1955.

When James F. Blake, the white driver of the bus, stepped toward the back of the bus and neared the "colored" sign behind which Mrs. Parks sat, she recognized him as the same driver who had been abusive toward her in 1943. At that earlier time he'd ordered her off the bus on which she was riding after a disturbance broke out among other black riders. Since then, she'd made it a practice never to ride a bus he was driving. On this evening, however, she supposed she was just too tired to pay attention to the driver. She'd simply gotten on, paid her dime, and found her seat.

When Blake ordered the blacks sitting on Mrs. Parks' row to move, two black women across the aisle began gathering their things. Mrs. Parks, who was sitting in an aisle seat, shifted to allow room for the black man who was sitting next to the window to move.

When Blake asked her, "Are you going to stand up?" she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "No," she said plainly.

"Well, I'm going to have you arrested," Blake said.

Then, very clearly, she said, "You may do that."

Although she had attended the Highlander Folk School where Myles Horton taught civil disobedience and peaceful integration, and although she had been E.D. Nixon's part-time secretary in the local NAACP office, she told me years later, "When I got on the bus that evening I wasn't thinking about causing a revolution or anything of the kind. I was thinking about my husband, how he'd spent his day at the barber shop at Maxwell Air Force Base, where he worked. I was hoping he'd had a good day. I was thinking about my back aching and about the pretty sights and sounds of Christmas. I was thinking about how we were going to have a good time this Christmas, and everybody was going to be happy.

"But when that white driver stepped back toward us, when he waved his hand and ordered us up and out of our seats, I felt a determination cover my body like a quilt on a winter night. I felt all the meanness of every white driver I'd seen who'd been ugly to me and other black people through the years I'd known on the buses in Montgomery. I felt a light suddenly shine through the darkness.

"I'd been happy early in the year when Claudette Colvin had been arrested for refusing to give up her seat on the bus. I'd been with Mr. Nixon when he'd declared it exactly what the black community needed. I'd seen the light in his eyes at the thought of being able to fight against the oppression of the laws that were keeping us down. I'd called my white lady friend Virginia Durr and we started calling folks to alert them to what was going to happen. We knew we were going to have to have help for a long struggle.

"Then I saw the hurt in Mr. Nixon's eyes when he found out the Claudette Colvin case wasn't the one we could use. I saw the silent hurt take over. But I wasn't thinking about all of that while I sat there and waited for the police to come.

"All I could think about, really and truly, was the Lord would help me through all of this. I told myself I wouldn't put up no fuss against them arresting me. I'd go along with whatever they said. But I also knew I wasn't gonna give up my seat just because a white driver told me to; I'd already done that too many times. As soon as they arrested me, I knew, I'd call Mr. Nixon and let him know what had happened. Then we'd see."

__________________

About the author: Journalist and writer Wayne Greenhaw is co-author with Donnie Williams of the recently published book "The Thunder of Angels: The Montgomery Bus Boycott and the People who Broke the Back of Jim Crow." Greenhaw wrote this article after Rosa Parks' death.

That ain't love!

2005-10-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

Today someone said to me that they don't like a certain segment of the population because they believe they are always using the excuse of race to gain some sort of leg up in the world. He had already made a disparaging remark or two about black people, so I pressed him farther. He told me that of course he wasn't talking specifically about black people, but rather about people who use the race card when they whine about their lot in life. He followed that up by saying that he could love these people, but he didn't have to like them.

I've had a running conversation with this man regarding "moral absolutes" lately. This man believes that most things in this life are black and white issues. He has often accused me of believing that nothing is absolute! To be honest, I wonder how people can be so ignorant! "God is this way" they scream! "God doesn't like people like you" they say. One of the favorite beliefs is that since they are a Christian, they are suddenly filled with this nebulous "love" that doesn't mean having to like someone. Seriously, how ignorant can you be? How can you love someone and not like them? I can hear someone saying now, "well my Aunt Sally is a total imbecile and I do NOT like her, but hell, she's family so I love her!" We all know that is bullshit! If you loved her even a little bit, you would make an effort to love her!

True love casts out fear! True love covers a multitude of sins! True love! Not this mamby-pamby kind of love my friend seems to think he has. This sprinkle of love that he has for everyone just so he can get to heaven. That's not love! Love bridges our differences and makes us one. Love helps us understand one another! Love does not mean being in perfect agreement! Love means being in perfect harmony, even in the midst of disagreements. That's why I can look at some of my friends and say "I love you!" Do we see eye to eye? Hell no! But we would go to the mat for one another!

In the scriptures, Jesus told us that there is no greater love that someone can have, that to give his own life for his friends. I think the addition to that would be that love doesn't expect you to do the same for me! Love, real love understands the differences between us and understands that you might react differently! Love doesn't hold grudges! It let's them go for the greater good! And, no loves doesn't mean you never have to say your sorry! Love means having to actually eat crow sometimes!

I'm sorry for people who have such a cramped and narrow view that they think that people different from them aren't deserving of being liked! Because if you don't get to know me, you'll never love me! Love isn't a piece of candy we swallow that makes the world look like pink cotton! Love grows in us and then flows out of us! It must be tended, like a flower! It must be given attention so that it will grow! If you can't be around someone because you don't like them, I'm going to boldly say, you'll never learn to love them!

Birthday Thanks!

2005-10-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

A great big thank you to everyone who made my birthday so special this year! From cards to dinner and dancing; from games to books and bags; from calls to shoes and shirts; you've each one managed to make me feel incredibly special! In fact, the celebration for my birthday has been pretty much non-stop since last Thursday evening. While I'm a bit exhausted today, I feel surrounded by your love!

Thanks again for the shower of love!

A Simple Poem

2005-09-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to
spend the night with you
eat with you
take you to meet my friends
make you one of them
take you to bed
make you one with me
say I love you
hear you say the same
meditate, with your heartbeat as
my mantra.

I wanted the sun,
and a goodly portion of the moon.

All I got was this poem,
which I wanted to be
a happy one.

--Peter McWilliams--

Anniversaries

2005-09-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've been in a funk! A funk that won't go away! I feel raw! Almost as if emotions are living right on my sleeve and I have no control over them. I feel debilitated and it sucks!

This morning I made the discovery that as of next week, I will have lived in LA for five years. Five years is a long time, longer in fact than anywhere I have ever lived at any one given time. I distinctly remember lying in my bed and trying to decide whether to make the move to LA. I had been laid off from my job and was feeling rudder-less. I had just packed my sister and her husband up and helped them move away from the Bay Area that we called home. My connection points were gone and frankly, I had an itch. I needed to be somewhere different for a while. I made the move and have enjoyed an amazing five years!

Next week is also the anniversary of my first meeting with the person who has become my life partner. The meeting itself really didn't point to anything more than a quick hook-up, but it has grown into this amazing relationship that continues to built and get stronger and deeper. I am reminded that three years is a another new milestone for me as it is the longest I’ve continuously been in a relationship. As I look back over the last three years, it is amazing the storms we've weathered! Our relationship has afforded me the opportunity to become a parent, even if it is preceded by the word step. I'm blessed in ways that I don't even have words for.

In a few short days I will celebrate my 36th birthday! It’s a milestone that points to my ever hastening advance towards old age. For the first time, I'm starting to feel the creaks and groans from those joints that don't quite function like they used to. A recent consultation with my Doctor confirmed that I need to start taking a little better care of myself because I'm not a spring chick anymore. The big 40 is looming ever larger and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

The night I made the decision to move, I distinctly remember a verse from the scriptures meandering through my consciousness. Jeremiah 29:11 says: "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." When I look back over the last five years, I am amazed at the blessings that have come into my life. Success has come in many forms, from amazing friendships to a wonderful life partner and this amazing opportunity to affect the life of a little tyke who I adore. I really have been given the future I hope for.

So why this funk? Sometimes, setting down roots means sacrificing a few things. I've always been transitory, never settling down in one place long enough to establish anything more than a surface or shallow root system. I met Jason the first week I moved here in an interview for a job that was much more like an interview for a date. Our friendship has developed into this amazing force that is invaluable to me. I treasure him as a true friend and brother! Not to long ago he made an announcement to me that he was packing up and leavin' town. I didn't like the idea! Last night he informed me that his leave date had moved up considerably. I liked the idea even less!

This morning, I started to realize that it's not his leaving that is bothering me. Our friendship will remain strong whether he is right around the corner or on the other side of the globe. But his leaving did point out that I don't have the ability to just pick up and go. I've always had that ability before and now I don't. I'm extremely blessed and thankful for everything I have and I don't want to loose it, but that also means that I have to factor others into any equation and maybe, just maybe, I'm having a bit of hard time coping with that thought.

As I celebrate these milestones in my life, I do so with twinge of sadness. Sadness for the things I can't do anymore. Maybe that's where my funk is coming from! But the sadness, I think, is outweighed by the sense excitement of what is to come. With these milestones, I'm walking into uncharted territory; territory that has the potential to take me to levels that I've never experienced. It's frightening a little bit! The future is wide open!

Today I've decided to review the advice of Patrick Overton who said that "if you must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe one of two things will happen; either you will find something solid to step on or you will be taught how to fly." This future that is opening up for me is more than I have ever imagined! And you know what, even as I'm writing this, my funk is starting to fade! Maybe that's all it took...a reminder that I'm NOT growing stagnant at all! Maybe these anniversaries are an occasion to celebrate after all!

Thinking of you!

2005-09-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

Just three short weeks ago we watched Katrina become a major hurricane as she passed over the Gulf of Mexico. For those of us with friends and family in and along the Gulf Shores and New Orleans it was difficult and terrifying to watch. We have waited with baited breath for our loved ones to be found and tried to celebrate, albeit in a very muted way, when they were. As we've so often heard in the past few weeks, things can be replaced, lives can't be.

For the past few days I've watched with dread as Rita entered the Gulf. As she has sucked up the energy from the hotter than usual waters, she has turned herself into another monstrosity very much like her cousin Katrina. The path she is taking again puts those along the Gulf Shores at risk.

Today I've thought about my cousins in Galveston. They've already evacuated, but the uncertainty of what havoc Rita might wreak on what has been their lives for as long as they can remember has got to be hard. My friends in Houston have been on my mind today as well. Friends I've known since I was a kid. It worries me to think about Shawn and his family being uprooted. Mark and Laura recently bought a new house. I want to talk to Mark because I know he's got a stubborn streak a mile long, but I bet he's got a lot more important things to deal with than a chatter with me.

When I read the last update, I noticed that Rita had taken a bit of a turn and, if it continues on this trajectory, will make landfall in Lake Charles, LA. I think I know the entire city of Lake Charles. That's home! Them was my stompin' grounds when I was a kid. If I were to name all the names that come to mind, it would take too long. Please know that you are in my heart and mind! And Leeman, if you read this, please let your parents, Shawn and Mark know that I'm thinking about them! Oh yeah, and tell Mark to call me (he owes me a call any way!).

Whatever direction Rita takes, there will be devestation and human suffering that won't be pretty! Even after all the lessons the government has learned following Katrina, there will still be some that fall through the cracks! I pray God's peace over all of you! Remember that song we used to sing when we were kids in church...

Under His wings, under His wings,
Who from His love can sever?
Under His wings, my soul shall abide,
Safely abide forever.

Psalm 94:1 - His huge outstretched arms protect you - under them you're perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm.

"I tried on your glasses...

2005-09-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

...and I was blind!"

Monday mornings can be so much fun! Especially after a birthday weekend when the amount of sugar one takes in is disproportiantly high. As such, getting out of bed for me was just a chore; maybe even more of a chore than usual. As I dragged myself into the bathroom and was greated by toothpast oozing out of it's container and a 7 year-old asking me to examine his "pearly whites", I was a little concerned that I wasn't up for the task. As I put the top on the toothpaste, and attempted to wipe the sleep from my eyes, I heard Paris say "I tried on your glasses and I was blind!"

As he described trying to walk around the bathroom with my glasses on, I began to think about relationships, specifically what other people think my relationships should look like. People are really good about sharing how they think our lives should look. "If you'll measure your relationship based on my set of ideas, you can expect that you will be successful." We see that on TV with Dr. Phil telling us how to get our shit together. A look through the phone book for a list of self-help guru's is enough to drive one mad. Everyone has a prescription for how our lives and our relationships should look like.

My own relationship is fodder for much conversation, I feel quite certain. We are wildly different people. I run around like a Chinchilla on speed. I need everyone to be in a hurry! Always a whirl wind follows me. My better half puts the brakes on when confronted by my incessant demands to hurry. I could probably spend the better part of the day listing all of our differences and why our relationship should not work...at least according to some. There have been times when I've thought, "golly, maybe the naysayers are right, maybe we really are just too different." Despite all of our differences, we are best friends! We have become counter-balances to each other's extremes.

Defined through the lense of others, our relationship might be considered a failure. But there is a problem with looking through prescriptions designed for someone else's poor eye sight. By wearing someone else's prescription, one is left with, at best, a slight headache and, at worst, blindness (temporary of course). I've seen countless relationships broken up because of well meaning advice that didn't take into consideration the people in question.

I'm finding that by building a relationship that works for us, as opposed to one that works for someone else, we are building something that is solid. I refuse to wear someone else's glasses when it comes to my relationships, and that includes my relationship with God, my relationship with my partner, my relationship with my family and with my friends! What works for you may not work for me! It's an important lesson to learn that not everything should be viewed using the lenses your grandmother wore. Sometimes one needs their own prescription!

Today It's Your Birthday!

2005-09-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Paris!

Last night as you and I ran with Shiba in the park, I thought again of how blessed I am to have you in my life. For the last three years I've had the amazing priviledge of watching you grow, emtionally, spiritually and physically. As you coaxed me into running with you and the dog, I couldn't help but laugh as you yelled "that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

This morning when the alarm went off, I groaned...I don't like mornings, especially when the clock reads 4:45a. As I starting making banana muffins for you, I began to pray that as you grow and learn new things, that you will always remember that you are surrounded by love. I don't know what the future holds, but I know enough to be thankful that one day our lives collided. You make my world complete little man!!

On this, your 7th birthday, I pray for you all the good that life has to offer! Today it's your birthday! I hope that it is as special as you are!!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Paris!
Happy Birthday to you!

Love always...

j.

“This is a desperate SOS”

2005-09-01T13:22:00.000-07:00

Those are the desperate words of New Orlean's mayor! As the situation continues to deteriorate for those in and around this great city, and as the "golden 72 hour window" begins to run out, my heart hurts. I wish I could go, but I can't! Britney Spears has offered her prayers and that is all well and good and I join her, but a nagging thought has continued to run through my head! Surely there's more I can do besides offer a few prayers while safely tucked in my nice home and my beautiful neighborhood! In researching the various disaster relief organizations, I am continually struck by all that the American Red Cross does to help those facing disasters around the world. Once again, they are at the forefront in this disaster. If you can't go, then donate even a little money or clothes or time! To stand by and do nothing is just bad karma!

Robertson Is Wrong...

2005-08-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

...But So Are Most Of His Detractors

by Bill Barnwell

The worldwide press is having a field day with Pat Robertson’s recent suggestion that the United States ought to look into assassinating Venezuelan socialist ruler Hugo Chavez. Robertson, prominent Religious Right broadcaster and former Presidential candidate, clearly was not demonstrating the most virtuous judgments in making his statements. He is now taking a pounding from conservatives, liberals, and libertarians alike.

However, Robertson’s statements are much ado about nothing considering he is a non-player in American foreign policy and in terms of influence with most of the American public. Not only that, but those making the loudest noise about Robertson’s statement promoting assassination of a single man are the same people who support Bush’s war in Iraq that has killed close to 2,000 Americans, wounded thousands of others, and has killed or maimed many more Iraqi’s. If you’re having a hard time seeing the consistency of such moral outrage then join the club.

Apparently Robertson is a moral reprobate and has absurd judgment because he thinks it might be preferable to kill one man instead of killing many and spending billions of dollars on a full-blown war. But his conservative critics are bold and courageous heroes by trying to rid the world of "terrorism" by ironically spawning more terrorism and instability with their cowboyish drive to remake the Middle East in their own image through endless invasions (watch out, Iran).

Robertson’s folly is that ethically he is choosing the "lesser of two evils" rather than a more just solution. Chavez certainly is a nitpicking, far left-wing socialist and is not to be admired. He also is not the brightest man and is a terrible ruler. But just because Chavez is a big mouth critic of American and wants to ship his oil elsewhere doesn’t exactly make him a giant national security threat that needs to be imminently "taken out" as Robertson apparently believes.

The truth is that Chavez is just another big mouth thug. He can criticize the U.S all he wants, but the fact is right now his oil industry is dependant on U.S business. And if he wants to try and find other business, then his country has that right, just as we have the right as a buyer to find other sellers or find other ways to get the energy and supplies we need.

So why all the clamor over Robertson? He’s a private citizen who can say whatever he wants no matter how silly it is. Sure, as a minister, he should have used better judgment, but when exactly did he become so influential in swaying foreign policy or swaying the opinions of anyone on anything, save for a small segment of religious conservatives (the Religious Right itself is even split in its opinion of Robertson).

Let’s stop acting like it matters what Robertson thinks about foreign policy. What really matters is what George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, and the rest of the War Party thinks about foreign policy, including every member of Congress who continues to support an indefinite involvement in Iraq. Let’s also extend that to every mainstream think-tank and magazine that puts its stamp of approval on our ill-advised Middle Eastern makeover.

If you’re going to pretend it’s "worth it" (in the immortal words of Madelyn Albright) to see a great deal of needless death and human suffering in Iraq, then think again before going off on Robertson. If you support the President of the United States ignoring every piece of evidence suggesting his foreign policy is faulty, then don’t scream about what a private citizen thinks who has no influence about such weighty matters of war and peace.

After all, what exactly is everyone expecting anyway? Are we really scared that Robertson’s words have now sparked some middle-aged white guy at home watching CBN to personally fly down to Venezuela in an attempt to assassinate Chavez and plunge South America into chaos? Come on.

Robertson is right though that a "lesser of two evils" approach is preferable to outright war. It certainly is preferable to kill one person instead of many and spend little money on an assassination instead of a blank check that ultimately ranges into the hundreds of billions for foreign wars and occupations. In fact, a system preferable to both Robertson’s and Bush’s would be to go back to the days of dueling, something that was practiced even in America’s early days. Then we could just let the heads of state go at it while the rest of us, our sons and daughters, and our pocketbooks, are left alone.

Instead, it is best to rebuke both the pro-assassination Robertson and the cheerleaders of pro-mass casualty Middle Eastern domination, but let’s be honest and recognize Robertson is nothing more than a side show in this whole affair. The real outrage belongs to those on the top. Too many want to have it both ways though. They want to condemn Robertson for his remarks and the "instability" it has caused U.S-South American relations, but give the administration a free pass on the real causalities and instability that have been caused since March of 2003 and which seem to have no end in sight. Only honest liberals and antiwar conservatives have been consistent on these issues from the beginning.

How about this: enough picking fights with leaders on every continent. Come up with a clear timetable to exit Iraq and let the Iraqi’s run their own affairs, even if that means they want to morph into some strange hybrid of a constitutional republic and an Islamic theocracy as they apparently want to do. Stop trying to drum up problems in Iran with the same sort of unsubstantiated nonsense we heard in 2002 about Iraq, and let’s stop inserting ourselves in this centuries long pillow fight over East Jerusalem. In sum, let’s work towards the "humble" type of foreign policy George Bush said he wanted in 1999 and 2000.

Where is George Washington when you need him?

August 25, 2005

Bill Barnwell is a pastor in Flushing, Michigan. He spent most of his undergraduate college career studying politics and government before feeling called to the ministry. He has completed a Master of Ministries degree and is currently working towards a Master of Arts in Theological Studies degree at Bethel College in Mishawka, Indiana.

Sacrificing Justice

2005-08-22T16:57:00.000-07:00

I was reading today an article about a recent Dateline NBC program regarding the Ugandan Civil War, specifically the children of the war. Untold thousands of children in Northern Uganda have been, and continue to be abducted by rebel leader Joseph Kony and forced to fight for a cause they can't even comprehend. Many have had to face the horrible choice of killing or being killed. I read of one 13 year old boy who watched his father killed in front of he and his siblings and then witnessed his mother beaten within an inch of her life. He was then given the choice of killing his own mother or being killed himself, or worse.

For those who don't know, the Civil War in Uganda has been on-going for nearly 20 years and has produced over two million dead and over a million refugees. Joseph Kony has continued his fight with almost zero public support and as a result and taken to abducting 8, 9 and 10 year olds and forcing them to become his warriors. Often young girls are abducting and turned over to his captains and other high-ranking members of his army as sex slaves.

As I read about this war and the effects on the children, I read the story of a mother whose two daughters were abducted from an all girls boarding school. This mother, a humble mid-wife named Angelina, soon began to speak out around her neighborhood and village as only a mother can do. She become a voice for parents throughout Uganda who have had their children abducted, literally stolen away from them. Single-handedly, this woman began to raise the profile of the lost children of a war that most people don't even remember the cause of. Eventually Angelina was asked to speak before the United Nations thereby gaining even more attention for a cause that was deeply personal for her.

Joseph Kony began to hear stories about this woman with a big mouth. He secretly sent emmisaries to invite her to a clandestine sit-down. There he told Angelina that if she would mind her own business, she could have her daughters delivered to her safe and sound. One daughter, Charlotte had been given to one of Kony's commanders and had already given birth to two children. Angelina thought about those daughters she loved and then thought about the countless thousands of other parents who had lost their own daughters and sons. If she were to be quiet, she would have her daughters back in her arms. But that left a nagging thought. What of all the parents whose children would not be returned if she became quiet. Would the abductions continue? Angelina knew that it would and so, with a heavy heart, this mother of mothers declined their offer.

One day recently, Angelina received a call. A voice on the other end of the line said "we have your daughter." Charlotte had escaped with one of her children and now, at 22 years of age, she has added her voice to that of her mothers and is also working to bring about a change to her world. They are working for peace! A peace that many of Joseph Kony's fighters because of their age know absolutely nothing about.

As I read this article, and the amazing profile of this humble mid-wife, something she said struck me like a ton of bricks. It is so diametrically opposed to our Americanized way of thinking that I initially thought it to be the ramblings of a crazy person. Angelina talked about forgiveness, in fact, she talked about forgiving Joseph Kony the man who had taken away her own daughters and forced them to be the playthings of his soldiers. And then she said, "We are sacrificing justice for sustainable peace." This mother is tired of fighting! She wants peace and she realizes that the only way to effectively produce a peace that can be sustained is to forgive the man who nearly destroyed her life. And not just on a personal level, she is calling for the Ugandan government to implement an across the board forgiveness of this man.

For we Americans that just doesn's work. I know it as well as you do. We've been programmed to clamor for justice! "An eye for an eye!" "A tooth for a tooth!" We demand justice! And yet, this little woman who has suffered so much in her life might just be able to teach us a little something about leading a healthy, happy, fulfilled life even after we've been pushed down the trash shute of life and left to rot among the maggots.

As I've thought about this amazing woman, I am reminded that she is simply following the pattern laid out by God. God, as presented in the Bible, was a pretty mean, vengeful being desirous of justice. Wars were fought and many thousands slaughtered. A flood was sent to destroy the entire world. Justice was served! And yet, apparently God didn't feel very good about all the justice that was being served out and so, a plan was devised. Justice was sacrificed in the form of a baby born in a manger who would one day be nailed to a cross and buried in a borrowed grave on a hill outside of Jerusalem. Because of that sacrifice, because God let go of an obssessive need to see justice prevail, every person who walks on this earth has been given the opportunity to live in peace.

I've been thinking a lot lately about justice and about forgiveness. If I got all the justice I deserved for all the crap I've pulled, I would be a very sad individual. Instead, I've been offered an escape from justice. It's through forgiveness. In fact, it is only as I learn to forgive those in my life who have caused me so much pain, only by sacrificing justice, that I can experience true, sustainable peace.

I'm Alive!

2005-08-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

Recently, while going through a raft of e-mails, I happened upon one from an old friend. She simply said, "I wish for you..." I opened the attachment and was treated to scenery that transcended imagination and word images that sent chills down my spine. As the scenery unfolded, the voice of Celine Dion wafted through my speakers. I turned up the volume so I could hear and as I did, I heard that powerful voice sing "I'm alive!" with a joy that couldn't be contained. As I came to the end, an old Latin American blessing appeared and it seemed to fit my mood today...

I wish you always...

Air to breath
Fire to warm you
Water to drink and the
Earth to live in

If I were granted wishes, what would they be? As I pondered that question, it didn't take long to begin to start wishing a little bit. I wish to dream beyond the stars! I wish for good health and a long life! I wish to always be surrounded by beauty, whether obvious or not. I wish for wealth of spirit. I wish to be loved and to love unconditionally! I wish for peace in my life and in my world! I wish to live in a world where people are treated with the respect they should be afforded, regardless of race, age, sexual orientation or any of the other labels we like to weigh people down with! I wish to always be surrounded by those I love and those who love me! I wish to be loved by God!

As I thought about my wishes, I began to think about those I surround myself with. That person who I share my hopes and dreams...my joys and sorrows...my life with! That child that God has blessed us with! My parents and siblings, nieces and nephews, grandparents, cousins and friends! What do I wish for them? Everything!!

The scriptures tell us that Christ came that we might have "life and have it more abundantly!" I looked up the definition of abundant and found that it meant to "be present in great quantity!" The life I wish for those around me, is limited only by my imagination. How much more then is this abundant life that the Creator wishes for us?! There's an old cliche that says that true love doesn't really exist until it is given away. If that's true, then the Creator's love for us is unfathomable. We are loved with a love that doesn't end and won't quit!

As I've thought about what "abundant" means in my life, I'm realizing that it means living out my dreams and then surpassing those dreams and wishes in ways that I can't even imagine! The Creator has offered me abundant life! And I offer it to you!

When you call on me
When you call on me
When you reach for me
When you reach for me
I get wings to fly
I feel that I'm alive

When you bless the day
I just drift away
All my worries die
I know that I'm alive

I get wings to fly
God knows that I'm alive!

j.

A Mighty Wind

2005-06-01T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of Christopher Guest movies. For those unfamiliar with his works, he specializes in what is called the Mocumentary. One night late I was a bit bored and looking for something to watch. As luck would have it, the only thing that didn't remotely look like drivel was a movie entitled Best In Show. I had heard a review or two and thought I would check it out. That was the beginning of my love affair with this genre of movie. A year or so later, a friend asked if I had seen Waiting For Guffman. I had not and made a point to see it. Christopher Guest became my hero.

A couple of months ago, on a dreary, Sat. afternoon, I again was searching for something to watch to cure a bad case of boredom. As I flipped through the menu, I stumbled upon A Mighty Wind. "Wasn't that a Christopher Guest movie" I wondered? It was indeed and true to form, it kept me in rapt attention.

Over the past few weeks, I've been doing a bit of study on Native American culture. Particularly the reverence they give to the earth and the significance they place on certain parts of nature. Wind for instance is very symbolic. For some, it is the source of life and breath. Navajo's pray to the four corners of the earth. North is the Spirit of the Wind. It is the power of wisdom. When you pray facing North you are to give thanks for the cleansing winds.

For most Native Americans, the wind is a powerful force that as a spirit brings us gentle breezes filled with sweet scents of flowers in the spring. Wind dances with the leaves on trees and creates a beautiful song like no other. Wind, some believe, blows away the old season and brings in the new...giving us a fresh start.

This morning I re-watched A Mighty Wind, and at the close, the folk groups of which the mocumentary is made, come together to sing a power folk song. As I really listened to the words, I thought of the world that I live in. Our world is filled with so much hatred. Wars are started because of perceived differences or slights. We seem to have lost respect for our fellow man. "If you ain't like me, then I don't particularly like you," seems to be the prevailing attitude.

As I listened to the final number, I asked God to help that wind of change start in me. To blow in a new season of peace and freedom. As more and more of us become vessels for this wind, then perhaps we will be able to effectuate change, not only in our own lives and the lives of those around us, but also in our world. To bring about the winds of change, we've first got to start with ourselves and be willing to allow the wind of God to blow out all the crap that causes bitterness, hatred and division. Only then will we be able to become vessels for God to use as a powerful force to bring about change in our world. "Please God, do a work in me so that I can spread this mighty wind of change so that my world - your world - is filled with your peace! Make me a mighty wind!"

When the blind man sees the picture, when the deaf man hears the word...
We'll still hear the wondrous story of a world where people care
The story of this mighty wind that's blowing every where

Yes, a mighty wind's a blowin', cross the land and cross the sea
It's blowin' peace and freedom, it's blowin' equality

June Gloom

2005-05-31T12:33:00.000-07:00

Here in Southern California we have a unique phenomenon that occurs once a year regular as clockwork. Every June, the marine layer settles in over the beaches and a little inland to create cloudy, foggy, often chilly days that last for nearly the entire month of June. We not-so-fondly call it June Gloom. Those of us who call Southern California home don't really like it, but it is a part of our reality and so we deal with it.

It's the same with our lives. We wish they were sunny all the time, but pretty much regular as clock work we are faced with our own set of gloomy days. It can cause us to become depressed and in some cases can be so bad that some people actually consider suicide. There is an old saying that goes into every life a little rain must fall. It sucks, but it is our reality.

Sometimes the gloom and doom is so bad that we forget that it is only temporary. We like to sing rain, rain go away, come again some other day, but no matter what chants or incantations we use, the gloom persists...as it should. The truth is that without these days of gloom, we can never fully appreciate the dog days of summer.

Here in Southern California, come the latter part of June and into July and August, the sun will beat down on us filling the beaches and watering holes to capacity. It's regular. And yet, during the times of gloom it is hard to believe that the sun will shine again. Annie sang the sun will come out tomorrow bet your bottom dollar and she was right. The sun will shine again AND if we endured, we will enjoy the sun more than if we lived in a continual sunny state.

Trials and tribulations come. That's just a part of life...just like the June Gloom that has invaded my world. The question then becomes, not whether the gloom will come but how will I handle it when it comes. I can become isolationistic and sink into depression, feeling as though my life is coming to an end, or I can use the dark time to learn more about who I am and grow. I have found that I never really grow during the sunny times...sometimes I get a tan, but usually I don't have growth moments. It's during the dark times that I sometimes have to remind myself that those things that come for free aren't nearly as enjoyable. Perhaps, instead of cursing the gloom we should accept it for what it is...a moment that will pass.

As I write this I'm listening to the rapper Game talking about Dreams. He mentions a host of people who had dreams. Some of them were able to witness the fulfillment of their dreams in their lifetime. Most of them struggled through the murky darkness for many years before realizing their dream. Some never saw their dream become reality. But whatever the avenue, none of them stopped dreaming. Even during the June Gloom, it's important to keep the dream alive and use it as a point for growth.

Psalm 30:5 - ...The nights of crying your eyes out [will] give way to days of laughter.

The Same Big Lie

2005-05-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it. -- John 3:16-17

I often wonder how people develop such a warped perception of God. Often people's perception is of a God who is just waiting to kick them in the gut should they so much as have one tiny nose hair out of place. Some of us who come from a background that sits right on the border of cultish, have been raised with a God who has a jaundiced eye. This God is one who is standing on the balcony of Heaven looking over waiting for us to screw up at which point He will whack us over the head like the carnival game Whack-the-Mole.

Perhaps this can be traced back to our history of struggle against oppression where religion really was the way to a better life. Being filled with hope gave our ancestors something to strive for. They could be better people. But...they had to watch their p's and q's otherwise it would all be for naught. In 1741, renowned preacher Jonathan Edwards preached a sermon entitled Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God. It seems that this image of God isn't new at all and maybe our attitudes now are just the after effects of our ancestors hearing the old story of a God who is pissed off and ready to wreak havoc.

This past December I came to the realization that Christianity doesn't have a market on this philosophy that God is this angry, vindictive being just waiting for us to screw up. As we watched the Southeast Asian countries ravaged by the awful Tsunami and witnessed the list of the dead climb to astronomical figures, I heard a Muslim cleric from a tiny island off the coast of Thailand quoted as saying that the Tsunami was God's punishment on the people for their lack of strict adherence to the Koran. Apparently they were not taking their duties as seriously as they should and were on occasion enjoying "worldly pleasures" such as a drink here or there or not praying 5 times a day.

On September 11, 2001, my country was faced with evil and as a result lost thousands of lives and we suffered. As with any disaster, there are those who immediately come out and begin pronouncing God's judgment. And so out came The Right Reverend Jerry Falwell and The Most Righteous Pat Robertson telling us that this was God's punishment on America for losing it's moral "center." Never mind of course that God did not choose to intervene when scores of Africans were literally kidnapped from their native land, shipped in the most vile of conditions to a country they knew nothing about and forced to serve as slaves for the enrichment of the white man. Treating people as property is not nearly as bad as say sleeping with a person of the same sex and then talking about it openly. That will piss God off every time. At least according to these two fine gentlemen.

Then I read today of one other of their ilk who also proclaimed that 9/11 was God's punishment of America for it's tolerance of homosexuality. The exulted Reverend Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas. Phelps and his congregation are on a mission to rid the world of fags. And so, over the years this group of people has been spotted at the funerals of those who have died of AIDS loudly proclaiming that the death was a direct result of disobedience to God's laws. They showed up at the funeral of Matthew Shepherd, the young gay man beaten to death in a horrible hate crime in Wyoming shouting that Matthew got what he deserved.

This year, they have made it their mission to picket and protest graduation ceremonies of highschools that have Gay/Straight Alliances or other such groups seen as potentially promoting or just condoning "aberant" sexual behavior. This past weekend they were in Boston with their signs that scream God Hates Fags and this next weekend they will be in the bedroom community of Tracy, California, some 60 miles (and a whole continent away from) San Francisco. Several pastors, about 15 in fact, of local churches (my home church included) have taken a stand against Phelps and his church group saying that God's word is against them on this. This brought an angry response from Fred Phelps daughter, Sharon Phelps-Roper who said about these pastors, strip away their titles and those churches are all talking about the same big lie, that God loves anyone.

There it was staring me in the face. The Same Big Lie! I was raised with the same big lie. That lie that told me that God loved me! That He sent His Son to die for me! I wondered if I should be concerned because I've bought into that lie! In fact, that big lie has given me hope when nothing in my world could. God loves me!! And if it is a big lie, does that mean that there are only special people who God loves? How do I know if I'm one of the people that He loves?

I realized when I read that statement that some people can get so carried away in their views of an angry God, that they forget that God is really love. Sure there are examples of God's anger in the scriptures! Absolutely God doesn't like sin. But He still loves us! My mom always said that "before the foundations of the world, He knew you and loved you!" Christ said that He came that we might have life and have it more abundantly. John 3:16 and 17 gives us the best view of God that we could every have. He loved us so much that He sent His one and only son to die for us so that we could have life! Shirley Phelps-Roper calls that the same big lie. Well, if that's a lie, then I'm happy to be delusional!!

Oh how He loves you and me! Oh how He loves you and me! He gave His life, what more could He give! Oh how He loves you! Oh how He loves me! Oh how He loves you and me!

Nuts or Not

2005-05-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

Some times you feel like a nut. Some times you don't. Almond Joys have nuts. Mounds don't. Some times you feel like a nut. Some times you don't.

I like Almond Joys. I don't like Mounds. The weird thing is that I don't like the nuts on Almond Joys. One would think then that I would like Mounds...but I don't. Guess you could say I'm a little bit...nuts. For the past several days, I've felt considerably nutty. Doing anything other than getting out of bed is a chore. Sitting down and writing an even bigger chore. Why is it that sometimes it's easier to stay in bed with the covers pulled over our head, than to get up and face the world?

I would hate to say that I've been depressed because that wouldn't be an accurate description. The more honest assessment would be that I just haven't felt...anything. I'm a pretty caring person and so to feel nothing seems odd to me. How is one supposed to handle these moments of apathy?

That question has been rattling around in my brain for the past couple of days. If I would have had an Almond Joy, I probably would have made short work of it (spitting the nuts out of course). Lacking that fix, I turned to the scriptures this morning for a bit of inspiration and what I read made me realize that sometimes we all feel this way. We get tired of caring for the world or even for ourselves. Often there doesn't seem to be the payoff we hope for and after a while, we get tired of trying. Why keep fighting battles or caring for others or ourselves, when we don't see any results? It can make even the most determined of us feel a little nutty.

This morning I read in Galations the "fix" for my apathy. So let's not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don't give up, or quit. I'm beginning to wonder if the payoff isn't directly related to the amount of discouragement or apathy we have to overcome. On those nutty days where we would like to pull the covers over our head and be done with it, maybe the best medicine isn't Paxil at all but rather consistency. Maybe to see the payoff, we have to get up, get dressed and carry on...even when we don't feel like it. I wonder if by allowing ourselves to bath in our nutty moments, we aren't cutting into the reward promised.

Sometimes it is good to remember that there will be a payoff and that payoff will come when the time is right. I'm very American in my timing. I want it and I want it RIGHT NOW! And when it doesn't happen RIGHT NOW then phoey on it. Then I read in James that I shouldn't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

I guess on those days when I'm feeling nutty, I should remember that since the Creator hasn't given up on me why should I? Whatever it is that causes me to feel nutty, it will pass and when it does, I will be a stronger, healthier individual. Which just might be more than I would be if I laid in bed and ate Almond Joys all day. Nutty is alright! As long as I remember that it isn't where I'm supposed to live and it's prepping me for the real treat...a stronger, healthier me.

Rose Soup Anyone?

2005-05-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make a better soup. -- H. L. Mencken

I'm really good at telling people what to do! I come up with great ideas and then have no problem laying those brilliant ideas on others to implement. Let's just say, I have some great recipes for rose soup!

I'm a dreamer who, a lot of times, has difficulty differentiating between the dream and reality. If it sounds good in my head, then it's going to be even better in reality. Except that often times the reality ends up tasting like a steaming bowl of rose soup. For those that don't know...it's pretty nasty (yes...I've tried it)!

Often times, my great ideas end up leaving those that I am trying to better feeling like I've just set off a stink bomb in their lives. I run in, all jazzed by my brilliance, get everyone else all jazzed up, then run off, leaving just the recipe that I've created in my head. Being an idealist means that I don't have to taste my recipe before hand. I already know what it tastes like...in my mind.

Meatloaf is a big favorite in my house. In fact, it's probably the favorite meal. One day, with a little time on my hands, I decided to add my own spin to the meatloaf. I whipped it all together and threw it into the oven. An hour later, the smell was wonderful and mouths were salivating. I quickly pulled out the plates and dished them up. Because I tend to run 100 miles per hour, after handing the plates out, I needed to do a few things before actually sitting down to enjoy my creation. "Hey baby?" I heard coming from the living room (yes...dinner often gets eaten in the living room). "Did you do something different to the meatloaf?" YAY...A little recognition of my brilliance!! "Have you tasted it?" Hmmmm...not the comment I was expecting and so I tasted it. Did you know that uncooked rice thrown into a meatloaf does NOT cook through and become soft? It just ends up looking like maggots and is crunchy. Good idea that wasn't thought through! Result...one wasted meatloaf and a very hungry, slighty angry family!

Sometimes, if we would just take a minute and think things through, we might just find that rose soup ain't that great of an idea after all! Being an idealist comes with it's own set of responsibilities. It's good to live with your head in the clouds! But if you don't have your feet planted firmly on the ground, you are liable to end up with...rose soup! Smells good but it's not very satisfying!

Learning balance is probably one of the most difficult things for those of us who are dreamers or idealists. Why can't others see what we are seeing, or better yet, build our ideas into the vision using the recipe we've left them with? Could it be that in all our excitement over the dream, that we've forgotten to throw in a little common sense? Those of us who tend to be dreamers or idealists shouldn't feel bad about it...it's a gift! But as with any gift, we've got to balance the dream with a little common sense! I'm learning! In the meantime, I promise not to serve up too many dinners of raw rice and meatloaf or bowls of rose soup!

Listen To Your Heart

2005-05-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

I was on the phone last evening with one of my best friends. As always, we chatted about non-sensical stuff and, having gotten that out of the way, we moved on the weightier stuff. She was preparing for a follow-up conversation with that important someone in her life and needed to talk. As I listened, I thought about how we often let our brain or the common-sense side of us, outweighed our heart. We lay out plans regarding where our lives should be in five, ten, fifteen years, and fail to take into account those things we can't predict. Most of the time, life ends up happening while we are busy planning for it.

I begin to wonder if perhaps we don't shut ourselves off from really experiencing love because we are too busy planning for when it will happen. We have all these check points that must be crossed off before we will open ourselves up. We need a certain amount of money in the bank. Our career needs to be at a certain definable point. We need just the right sized house and the right cars. And once all of these things have been carefully checked off, then we can allow ourselves to listen to our heart. Have we become so preoccupied with how we think things should be or should look, that we allow the perfect person or perfect love to walk out of our lives simply because they didn't show up when we planned? Are we so busy looking for perfection that we've missed what's right in front of us?

As I lay in bed last night, I thought about the love of God! For God so loved the world that He gave his Son that whoever believed should not perish but have never-ending life. That's my paraphrase of John 3:16. God loved all of us so much that He gave the ultimate sacrifice. Most of the time, we end up running around looking for that perfect love when in fact it is right under our noses. Then when we find it, all too often, we contemplate walking away from it because it doesn't fit into our "time-line." Why are we so willing to give up the perfect love? Why don't we listen to our heart?

Maybe we are afraid of being labeled emotional. Maybe we are afraid of opening ourselves up to love because of past hurt. Whatever the reason, more and more, I'm witnessing people shut themselves off from love because it doesn't fit into their limited plans!! I love the show Dead Like Me (Showtime) which revolves around the lives and responsibilities of grim reapers. Recently Showtime did a marathon of last season and I was able to watch the episodes I had missed. In one episode, the newbie reaper was really struggling with her assignment...reaping the "soul" of a young girl. It was explained to her that the decision to "reap" wasn't hers...it had already been made. Her job was simply to "reap" the soul at the predetermined time. She questioned what happened to the soul if she didn't. The answer gave me a moment of pause. The soul, she was told, withers and dies inside of that person. It becomes ugly, bitter, hateful. It doesn't care how negative it becomes or how much havoc it wreaks in other people's lives. It becomes a lonely, hated existence. Is that what happens to love when we forget to listen to our heart? Do we become less capable of experiencing love because we turn it away?

Plans are good! Plans are wonderful! But when they don't leave any room for our heart to talk to us, then those plans don't do us any good!! It's important to listen to our head!! It's every bit as important to listen to our heart!! Give in to love...even if it doesn't fit into your plans!! You might just find your plans fulfilled in ways you would have never imagined!! Love can do some crazy things!!!

I don't know where you're going and I don't know why, but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye!

Love v. Hate

2005-05-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. -- Galatians 5:22,23a

This past weekend was the Gay Pride celebration for my city. I live on a main thoroughfare directly across from a beautiful park and the beach. On Sunday, the 17th Annual Gay Pride Parade was held with over 75,000 participants. And guess what, it goes right down my street. Sat. evening, I made certain both cars were parked in the garage, which is off our back alley. Sunday morning dawned beautifully with lots of sun and a few wisps of fog. As I went out front for my morning cup of coffee, I noted that the street was shut down. What a beautiful sight...not one bit of traffic to spoil my early morning cup of coffee with a magical picture of the ocean dotted with hundreds of sailboats.

By 7:15, the street in front of me was starting to fill up with various floats and parade entries. I talked with one of the street marshals and found out that the actual parade started about two blocks north and that the street in front of me was being used as a "staging area." There they were...three deep. Across the street at the park were a group of "drag queen" cheerleaders warming up to one of Britney Spears' more outrageous ditties. In the middle was another group that was a bit less interesting and as such quickly forgotten. Nearest me was a group from the local Methodist Church. This piqued my interest. I quickly counted about 30 people in the group that would be marching in the parade. Many of them carried signs that proclaimed the love of God. In fact, most of the signs seemed to center around this theme that God loves everyone.

Soon, friends began to arrive at my house for brunch. With lawn chairs on our front lawn, we enjoyed each other's company, the weather and the fascinating preparations for this parade. As I was running around entertaining, one of the women from the church group asked if she could take a quick break in one of our lawn chairs. As she sat down, I glanced at the sign that she carried. God Wants Spiritual Fruit! He does NOT want religious nuts! I wanted to chat with her, but with a living room and front lawn full of guests and so much activity, by the time I had a moment to catch up with her she was already gone and their group was being waved to the front of the line as the parade was about to begin.

We had so much fun watching as the many parade entries passed us. This was obviously a time for fun, but not just fun, this was a time for gay people to say "I'm proud of me!" The fun was infectious! As the morning drifted into afternoon, the energy only seemed to get stronger. At times I witnessed poignant sadness as survivors of those who have passed from AIDS marched in solidarity against this cruelest of diseases. I watched with complete fascination as the crowd erupted into cheers as a group called PFLAG marched by. PFLAG stands for Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays and is an organization dedicated to strengthening the relationships of gays and their families. As this contingent walked past, I thought of some of the coming out stories I've heard that have resulted in gay people being completely shut off from their families simply because of their sexuality. No wonder the crowd reacted so vigorously to this group. Here were families who loved their kids for who they were.

I received a phone call from a friend who was about 4 blocks from me. She and her husband were there to be with her sister and since we hadn't seen one another in quite a while, I thought I would wander down the parade route for a quick visit. Ocean Street was packed!! As a people watcher, I was in heaven. God certainly has created a wide variety of people!! With the sun shining, the fun associated with the parade, the general attitude of festiveness, it almost seemed the perfect day.

As I rounded a corner, I was suddenly struck with something foul, the likes of which I've never witnessed personally. Standing on a stage, with a bullhorn in one hand and a Bible in the other, was a preacher. Surrounding him were several people carrying signs. I caught my breath, hoping against all hopes that I wasn't seeing what I thought I was seeing. God Hates FAGS! Fags deserve to be in Hell! AIDS is God's punishment to you! To continue down the street, down the parade route, I had to walk right past this group of people screaming scriptural obscenities and hate at each person who crossed their path. I was sickened as this self-proclaimed preacher told of a God who hated homosexuals and that they were going to rot in hell...and not soon enough!

I was able to finally meet my friend and it was so nice to visit a bit with she and her husband. By the time I got back home, the parade was over and the street sweepers were cleaning my street. Soon the traffic flow returned to normal and by day's end, I was able to sit down and reflect on the many sights I saw. As my mind turned over the many sights and sounds, I realized that two images of God were presented today to the gay and lesbian people of my city. One image was seen by each person who marched in that parade. It confronted them and condemned each one of them. There was no escape. God hates YOU was the message that was sent.

As I thought about that little, yet very loud, group of people, I realized that most gay people don't like Christians for good reason. We are always condemning them! Then I thought about the Christians I first met when I was still lost. They didn't condemn me at all. In fact, they were rather like the people from the Methodist Church I saw marching in the parade. They told me about a God who loved me...right where I was! They lived the fruits of the spirit listed in Galatians! They didn't condemn me! They just loved me! I found that so interesting and desirable, that I ended up looking for and finding the source of that love.

I never did get to see the little lady from the Methodist Church carrying her clever little sign! But I think I'm beginning to see what she meant. There are some nuts out there using annoying bullhorns, who say they are speaking on behalf of God. They preach that God hates certain people! If I were to believe them, I'd be screwed! I'm glad that God didn't condemn me! I'm glad He loved me!! I'm glad He loved me SO much that He gave His Son! I'm also glad for people, like the little church lady, who are willing to live out the fruits of the Spirit! Sometimes just one light goes a long way in a world where darkness and hatred prevail!

j.

I Turn To You

2005-05-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm hurting tonight! I'm hurting because once yet again I've witnessed people, in the name of Christ, behave in an arrogant, egotistical way causing one who is looking for truth in his own life to be turned away. For whatever reason, people seem to think that once they come to Christ and get a little settled in, they are the voice of God. They feel no pause when it comes to pointing out areas in other's lives they don't feel measure up to what God wants.

I wonder sometimes if God doesn't look down and wipe a tear from His eye as He sees those who in His name bring pain, confusion, disillusionment to those who are struggling. I want to rail against these people and say to them "you know nothing about the love and mercies of God! If you did, you would be an extension of that love and mercy." Oh to me, His hand extended, reaching out to the oppressed...Let me touch Him, Let me touch Jesus, so that other's may know... It's an old hymn I grew up hearing. But I'm beginning to think that some people only pay lip service.

As all of these thoughts have been buzzing in my head, I decided to take a break from watching this crash. I sat down and turned on the TV. One of my favorite movies is on and just as I turned it on, my favorite part was playing. In the movie Bend It Like Beckham, there is a scene in a dance club and the song that plays goes like this...I turn to you like the flower leaning towards the sun. I turn to you, you're the only one...

In my hurt right now, I'm doing the only thing I know to do. I'm turning to the One! The One who brings comfort to those who hurt! Who dries the eyes of those who weep. The One who mends the broken heart! The One who causes the sun to shine again! I'm giving Him my pain and I'm asking for forgiveness...not just for me, but for all those, who in the name of Christ, cause such pain and hatred.

I turn to you, 'cuz you're the only one! I turn to you!!

Confusing As Heck!

2005-05-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

...life is very much like this car rental contract...confusing as heck...and dammit...I keep losing the number...

Point number three of the car rental contract reads: "The expenses arising from the accident or damage to the vehicle must be paid by the hirer."

and point five said: "The company will pay for any damage to the vehicle under hire."

This was to be symbolic of our golden trip to Spain. At the bottom of the contract was written in bold In CASE OF TROUBLE [sic] PLEASE PHONE 27 (I wish I had kept that number handy.)

I've often read that little re-quoting of a rental contract and thought how closely that resembles life. We all try so hard to do the best we can, and yet, in classic style, our instructions often leave us conflicted. I've been thinking about this particularly in light of how we, as children of God, treat those around us who are not believers. It seems to me that as Christians, we're becoming more and more intollerant of those who don't line up to our way of thinking. Instead of showcasing the love and mercies of God, we are too busy telling people how they are screwing up God's plan for their lives.

Is Christian intollerance of "sin" Biblical? Some people think so and point to a God of wrath, who has these great lists of sins that He abhors. But then there are scriptures that seem to point out about God's love for all creation. In fact, we are told that He loved the world SO much that He gave His own son as a sacrifice for all. To me, that would indicate a God who loves with an endless love.

As I read the provisions in the rental contract, I began to think that perhaps we act so dogmatic because we are really afraid that we might get our instructions wrong. Maybe the instruction manual has been written so that it is open for interpretation. Maybe somewhere in the back of our mind we really do think of God as this angry being. Sure, we know He loved us and sent His son, but perhaps we tend to think that He's still peeking over the balconey of Heaven waiting for us to screw up so that He can shoot us down.

Since we are trying so hard to get it right, we take the most hard-line approach in the Bible, because only by being hardlined will we for sure get it right. Then I start to look at the life of Jesus Christ. Particularly some of the parables that He told. One was of the Good Samaritan. If you know much about the world at that time, the Samaritans were not the religious people of the day. In fact, they didn't even worship the same god. As the story goes, a guy is traveling between cities on business, when he is jumped, beaten, robbed and left for dead. Along came the religious leaders who preached about God's wrath. The quickly gathered their collective robes, crossed to the other side of the street, and maybe, just maybe they offered a prayer.

Soon, along came this guy from Samaria. He sees someone beaten and left for dead. He picks him up and took him to the best place he could afford...then he took care of the bill. I wonder if Jesus wasn't trying to tell people that there is another way to react to those around us that we don't particularly like or approve of. Perhaps we are to show love to people and then let God deal with their sin. We all have pet sins we love to harp on. Maybe that's not really supposed to be our job.

I guess the best thing we can do is become really familiar with our "contract" and do the best we can. Life will be full of contradictions and confusing contracts. I think though, as long as our heart is in the right place, we are doing all right. I've pretty much made up my mind that I'm not everyone else's judge. God does a much better job of that. I'm just going to show His love (and try to remember not to loose the number).

Seeing In Technicolor

2005-05-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to laze around in front of the TV. There is nothing like a beautiful day, with absolutely no responsibilities and a remote. Somehow I ended up watching the Biography channel. As this past Sunday we celebrated those amazing people we call moms, the Biography channel had filled their offerings with specials regarding moms. At one point they featured the Judds -- Naomi, Wynona and Ashley. I watched as Wynona began to describe how deeply she was affected when her mother was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and was no longer able to travel. Wy described being scared, then she paid her mother the most amazing compliment. "My mom," she said, "taught us to see in technicolor. To not be afraid to color outside the lines."

I've thought about that as the weekend drew to a close. Coloring outside of the lines. When I was a kid and was given a coloring book, I was always instructed to "be careful and color in the lines." Obviously by coloring in the lines, you create a uniform, and some would argue, beautiful picture. What is it about uniformity and perfection that draws us? We have this desire to put perfect little lines around everything.

In the scriptures we are told that God's ways are so much higher than ours that we can't even begin to understand them. Why is it then that we put God into a box? We have a tendency to see everything in stark black and white. I get the feeling that in our haste to build these perfect little boxes, we've limited our growth potential. And not just ours, but others around us. We are so busy telling people how to live in a black and white world that we are missing the beauty that God has for us. I sometimes think of it like going down to your local electronics store with its vast array of high definition color televisions and all the bells and whistles that accompany them and asking for a little black and white monitor.

Maybe the real reason we like to see in black and white is because we are afraid of what we might see if we allowed ourselves. As I've thought about "coloring outside the lines" I thought about a picture my friend is painting using only his imagination as his pallet. It's going to be beautiful when it's done...and it will sell for a lot of money. I think God is a lot like my artist friend. He is not limited by the lines we try to draw around a problem or a person. He's not confined to the cardboard boxes we whip up at the slightest provocation. Perhaps if we quit trying to ascribe our thoughts as God's and realized that's He is absolutely not limited to our simple little lines, we might start seeing a picture that would impress even us.

In the movie The Fighting Temptations, Cuba Gooding, Jr. played an advertising executive who, as he closed his presentation said, "and that gentlemen is not thinking outside of the box, it's realizing that there is no box at all!" I wonder how our lives would be transformed if we could come to a realization that we don't have to live with a box mentality. That we don't have to always live in black and white. That we can color outside of the lines! Maybe it's time to let our imaginations run away with us for a little while and start seeing things like God sees them...not like we think He should! Maybe it's time to start seeing in technicolor. I have a feeling we might start to see that it's a brilliant new world out there.

Is Love Based On Looks?

2005-05-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

Today while roaming around the internet, I saw a headline that got me to thinking. Are Ugly Children Less Loved? It actually doesn't seem like that big of a stretch to think that in our society children who don't fit the images that flow out from every medium are treated somehow like ugly red-headed step children. Recently I saw a study that said that people who are considered good looking, on average, receive higher salaries. Are we as a society so obsessed with the outward appearance that we treat people differently based on how they look?

I grew up in a church that placed an undue emphasis on outward appearance. To be considered a Christian, you had to look a certain way. How else can you tell a Christian? As I grew older, I realized that basing my opinion of someone's relationship with Christ off of how they looked was way off.

Perhaps what I saw growing up in the church was just an off-shoot of society at large. Everyone is obsessed with looks. In the movies people like Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts (just named by People magazine as the most beautiful woman in the world) are our examples. Plastic surgeons are making a killing helping people change the way they perceive themselves by changing the way they look. TV shows like The Swan serve us up with a weekly dose of personal change...most notably on the outside. They've made an art of changing "ugly ducklings" into "swans." And these "swans" go out with their lives changed. Suddenly doors are opened up to them that otherwise would never have been opened. The beautiful people flock around them. Hell, who wouldn't want to be able to change the way they look if the end result is positive affirmation from the people who the world loves.

I read recently that we are all uniquely and wonderfully made by God...in His image. If that's the case, then why would we love someone any more or any less based off of how they look? If we love a kid less because they are ugly, aren't we telling them that God made some kind of mistake? Because honestly, they would receive a lot more love if they were prettier. As these kids get older, their image of themselves takes a continual beating. The result is people who are constantly struggling to be loved and thinking it's because of their looks.

I think more kids need to be told that they are unique and that their looks don't matter. Easy to say, but in our society much harder to practice. I tell my 6 yr old stepson that God doesn't make any junk...including him! Funny though, when I look at him I realize he will be what society considers one of the pretty people. In thinking about it, I realized that whether he was the ugliest kid on the block or not, it wouldn't matter...he's still uniquely and wonderfully made in God's image. Kids shouldn't be loved because they are cute or unloved because they are ugly. They should be loved...period! In fact, that's the way society should be at large. But, as long as everyone (myself included) puts such as emphasis on looks, there will always be those who will feel inadequate and unloved because they don't fit it.

I never did read the original article...I was afraid it would just remind me that we are a society obsessed by looks. We all want to be accepted...whether gay, straight, black, white, brown, male or female. It's the reason at 35 that I am getting a chin lift...I want to look younger (and better). We are all obsessed...just a little...with outward appearance. But we would do good to remember that God made us unique AND wonderful.