Sleeve Notes 101: Anniversaries

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Anniversaries

I've been in a funk! A funk that won't go away! I feel raw! Almost as if emotions are living right on my sleeve and I have no control over them. I feel debilitated and it sucks!

This morning I made the discovery that as of next week, I will have lived in LA for five years. Five years is a long time, longer in fact than anywhere I have ever lived at any one given time. I distinctly remember lying in my bed and trying to decide whether to make the move to LA. I had been laid off from my job and was feeling rudder-less. I had just packed my sister and her husband up and helped them move away from the Bay Area that we called home. My connection points were gone and frankly, I had an itch. I needed to be somewhere different for a while. I made the move and have enjoyed an amazing five years!

Next week is also the anniversary of my first meeting with the person who has become my life partner. The meeting itself really didn't point to anything more than a quick hook-up, but it has grown into this amazing relationship that continues to built and get stronger and deeper. I am reminded that three years is a another new milestone for me as it is the longest I’ve continuously been in a relationship. As I look back over the last three years, it is amazing the storms we've weathered! Our relationship has afforded me the opportunity to become a parent, even if it is preceded by the word step. I'm blessed in ways that I don't even have words for.

In a few short days I will celebrate my 36th birthday! It’s a milestone that points to my ever hastening advance towards old age. For the first time, I'm starting to feel the creaks and groans from those joints that don't quite function like they used to. A recent consultation with my Doctor confirmed that I need to start taking a little better care of myself because I'm not a spring chick anymore. The big 40 is looming ever larger and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

The night I made the decision to move, I distinctly remember a verse from the scriptures meandering through my consciousness. Jeremiah 29:11 says: "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." When I look back over the last five years, I am amazed at the blessings that have come into my life. Success has come in many forms, from amazing friendships to a wonderful life partner and this amazing opportunity to affect the life of a little tyke who I adore. I really have been given the future I hope for.

So why this funk? Sometimes, setting down roots means sacrificing a few things. I've always been transitory, never settling down in one place long enough to establish anything more than a surface or shallow root system. I met Jason the first week I moved here in an interview for a job that was much more like an interview for a date. Our friendship has developed into this amazing force that is invaluable to me. I treasure him as a true friend and brother! Not to long ago he made an announcement to me that he was packing up and leavin' town. I didn't like the idea! Last night he informed me that his leave date had moved up considerably. I liked the idea even less!

This morning, I started to realize that it's not his leaving that is bothering me. Our friendship will remain strong whether he is right around the corner or on the other side of the globe. But his leaving did point out that I don't have the ability to just pick up and go. I've always had that ability before and now I don't. I'm extremely blessed and thankful for everything I have and I don't want to loose it, but that also means that I have to factor others into any equation and maybe, just maybe, I'm having a bit of hard time coping with that thought.

As I celebrate these milestones in my life, I do so with twinge of sadness. Sadness for the things I can't do anymore. Maybe that's where my funk is coming from! But the sadness, I think, is outweighed by the sense excitement of what is to come. With these milestones, I'm walking into uncharted territory; territory that has the potential to take me to levels that I've never experienced. It's frightening a little bit! The future is wide open!

Today I've decided to review the advice of Patrick Overton who said that "if you must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe one of two things will happen; either you will find something solid to step on or you will be taught how to fly." This future that is opening up for me is more than I have ever imagined! And you know what, even as I'm writing this, my funk is starting to fade! Maybe that's all it took...a reminder that I'm NOT growing stagnant at all! Maybe these anniversaries are an occasion to celebrate after all!

j.

2 Comments:

Blogger Professor Snoutch said...

Wow. I thought something looked a little "off" with you yesterday as you left. It takes a special person to be in your very difficult role Jonathan. It's one I could never take, no matter what the circumstance. The reward for a deeper root system is a bigger tree, with more shade to share. My Mary Poppins umbrella takes me where the wind blows, for sure, but I only have enough shade for me. Therein lies the difference. Let me know about the 9th.

12:58 PM  
Blogger Jonathan said...

thanks for your comment! i've had a bitch of time figuring out what was wrong w/ me...but when i started thinking about the "anniversaries" that are coming up next week, it sort of dawned on me that i'm in a place that is unfamiliar and with that comes a sense of fear. your move pointed out to me how things have changed with me. i'm more happy for you than i've probably let on, and for that i'm sorry.

who knew 5 years ago that this would be the point i would be at...but i am. different paths have differing rewards and instead of longing for something that i don't have anymore, i need to start to enjoy what i do. it's rather like a paradigm shift and i've been a bit slow to catch up.

when i started to write, i really didn't know where it was going to take me but i'm glad of where it did. it showed me that i can be happy for the path you are taking AND be happy with the path i've chosen. none of us can afford to live w/ regret and i think i was allowing myself to. our friendship is one that i can't even put a value on and i thank you for it!

anyway...LOL...thanks again for the root/tree/shade comparison! even though i do miss my mary poppins umbrella just a little bit. ;-)

j.

11:40 AM  

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