Sleeve Notes 101: 09/25/2005 - 10/02/2005

Friday, September 30, 2005

A Simple Poem

I wanted to
spend the night with you
eat with you
take you to meet my friends
make you one of them
take you to bed
make you one with me
say I love you
hear you say the same
meditate, with your heartbeat as
my mantra.

I wanted the sun,
and a goodly portion of the moon.

All I got was this poem,
which I wanted to be
a happy one.

--Peter McWilliams--

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


I've been in a funk! A funk that won't go away! I feel raw! Almost as if emotions are living right on my sleeve and I have no control over them. I feel debilitated and it sucks!

This morning I made the discovery that as of next week, I will have lived in LA for five years. Five years is a long time, longer in fact than anywhere I have ever lived at any one given time. I distinctly remember lying in my bed and trying to decide whether to make the move to LA. I had been laid off from my job and was feeling rudder-less. I had just packed my sister and her husband up and helped them move away from the Bay Area that we called home. My connection points were gone and frankly, I had an itch. I needed to be somewhere different for a while. I made the move and have enjoyed an amazing five years!

Next week is also the anniversary of my first meeting with the person who has become my life partner. The meeting itself really didn't point to anything more than a quick hook-up, but it has grown into this amazing relationship that continues to built and get stronger and deeper. I am reminded that three years is a another new milestone for me as it is the longest I’ve continuously been in a relationship. As I look back over the last three years, it is amazing the storms we've weathered! Our relationship has afforded me the opportunity to become a parent, even if it is preceded by the word step. I'm blessed in ways that I don't even have words for.

In a few short days I will celebrate my 36th birthday! It’s a milestone that points to my ever hastening advance towards old age. For the first time, I'm starting to feel the creaks and groans from those joints that don't quite function like they used to. A recent consultation with my Doctor confirmed that I need to start taking a little better care of myself because I'm not a spring chick anymore. The big 40 is looming ever larger and I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

The night I made the decision to move, I distinctly remember a verse from the scriptures meandering through my consciousness. Jeremiah 29:11 says: "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." When I look back over the last five years, I am amazed at the blessings that have come into my life. Success has come in many forms, from amazing friendships to a wonderful life partner and this amazing opportunity to affect the life of a little tyke who I adore. I really have been given the future I hope for.

So why this funk? Sometimes, setting down roots means sacrificing a few things. I've always been transitory, never settling down in one place long enough to establish anything more than a surface or shallow root system. I met Jason the first week I moved here in an interview for a job that was much more like an interview for a date. Our friendship has developed into this amazing force that is invaluable to me. I treasure him as a true friend and brother! Not to long ago he made an announcement to me that he was packing up and leavin' town. I didn't like the idea! Last night he informed me that his leave date had moved up considerably. I liked the idea even less!

This morning, I started to realize that it's not his leaving that is bothering me. Our friendship will remain strong whether he is right around the corner or on the other side of the globe. But his leaving did point out that I don't have the ability to just pick up and go. I've always had that ability before and now I don't. I'm extremely blessed and thankful for everything I have and I don't want to loose it, but that also means that I have to factor others into any equation and maybe, just maybe, I'm having a bit of hard time coping with that thought.

As I celebrate these milestones in my life, I do so with twinge of sadness. Sadness for the things I can't do anymore. Maybe that's where my funk is coming from! But the sadness, I think, is outweighed by the sense excitement of what is to come. With these milestones, I'm walking into uncharted territory; territory that has the potential to take me to levels that I've never experienced. It's frightening a little bit! The future is wide open!

Today I've decided to review the advice of Patrick Overton who said that "if you must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe one of two things will happen; either you will find something solid to step on or you will be taught how to fly." This future that is opening up for me is more than I have ever imagined! And you know what, even as I'm writing this, my funk is starting to fade! Maybe that's all it took...a reminder that I'm NOT growing stagnant at all! Maybe these anniversaries are an occasion to celebrate after all!